Burning woman

So I said I'd be fearless. Here's something I was too afraid to post when I first wrote it. It's sat in my drafts folder ever since. Why was I so scared? I don't know--maybe I thought she'd read it. Maybe I wasn't sure I was being honest with myself.

Interestingly, there are new developments on this front. I might write about them a little more this weekend.
_____________________________________

This Lionheart leadership thing--it's burning through me. I feel like a raw nerve right now. Boy, does telling the truth and following your heart lead to so difficult and interesting places.

So here's where it may have led me: to the end of a very long friendship. I don't really know if that's the case, but right now, it's a possibility. I may have just lost one of my oldest friends.

The Lionheart assignment was this: remove an obstacle in one of your relationships. When I heard that, the first thing that flashed in my head was that I needed to talk to E. I'd been doing this thing for more than a year, where I'd wait to see how long it would take for her to call me, or reach out to me, and then when months would go by and still no call, I'd finally break down and call her. It's sounds stupid, I know. But every time, I'd think "Man, why doesn't she ever call? Why is this so hard? Why do I feel like I'm always making the effort?"

So I called E and told her what was on my mind. At the very worst time possible. She was back East, dealing with a very ill family member. But at the time, she listened, and it didn't feel totally resolved, but it was an okay conversation. We agreed that I'd come up with the ideas for what to do together, and she'd make more of an effort.

Then, flash forward a month later--I know she's back, I know she's been through a lot, I don't hear from her, so I call. I leave a voicemail, "Just wanted to see how you're doing..." Nothing. The next weekend, I invite her to go to a holiday craft bazaar. She texts back, "Thanks for the invite, I can't go." I feel like it's all kind of chilly, but I'm trying to just be understanding of what she's been through. I text back, "OK. I miss you. Hope we can get together soon. Hope you are doing ok," and leave it at that. But it's bugging me.

Then last night, she calls. She tells me that our conversation has been on her mind and bothering her. She feels I'm judging and measuring her. She'd heard things like this from me before (true, I have tried to have this kind of conversation with her in the past) and she never gets this from any of her other friends. She is who she is, and that I shouldn't expect her to change. She doesn't want to hear this kind of thing from me again. That I told her this at a time when she needed to focus on her family, and I made the conversation about me.

And what did I say? Yep. I've got some lousy timing. I didn't mean to cause her an extra pain when she was already going though so much. And that my intention wasn't to make her feel judged, but tell her I value our friendship, I miss her, and that I want to feel valued too.

And then we hung up the phone and cried.

So there you have it.

So I don't know where I'll be tomorrow. But right now, I think I'm done. I opened up what was in my heart, and asked for a deeper connection, to be more involved in her life, and to have a better relationship, and I was told in effect, "take it or leave it."

So I guess I have to. It is what it is. I can't change that.

I actually imagined trying to talk to her again. Perhaps this time, telling her about what my vision is for what the friendship would look like. And I thought--well, there's a chance she's say "That's not my vision, and not something I want." So more rejection. But what if she says "Ok." Then I have to follow through on that vision. And that feels like it would be a pain in the butt. And I realized right then that I cared more about making her see my point of view, and feeling right, than I did about the friendship.

Ultimately, I think my focus on the friendship and how I'm dissatisfied, or what I can do to make it better, and am I being the better person, or doing the right thing, blah blah blah, has just been a distraction. And it has held me back. I need to focus my energy and time on people and projects that boost me. My family. My creative work. Friends that make time for me. Who don't fall back on "I'm too busy." And now that I'd thought of it that way--that's I'm not losing something--I'm potentially gaining something, I don't feel so bad about it.