Burning woman

So I said I'd be fearless. Here's something I was too afraid to post when I first wrote it. It's sat in my drafts folder ever since. Why was I so scared? I don't know--maybe I thought she'd read it. Maybe I wasn't sure I was being honest with myself.

Interestingly, there are new developments on this front. I might write about them a little more this weekend.
_____________________________________

This Lionheart leadership thing--it's burning through me. I feel like a raw nerve right now. Boy, does telling the truth and following your heart lead to so difficult and interesting places.

So here's where it may have led me: to the end of a very long friendship. I don't really know if that's the case, but right now, it's a possibility. I may have just lost one of my oldest friends.

The Lionheart assignment was this: remove an obstacle in one of your relationships. When I heard that, the first thing that flashed in my head was that I needed to talk to E. I'd been doing this thing for more than a year, where I'd wait to see how long it would take for her to call me, or reach out to me, and then when months would go by and still no call, I'd finally break down and call her. It's sounds stupid, I know. But every time, I'd think "Man, why doesn't she ever call? Why is this so hard? Why do I feel like I'm always making the effort?"

So I called E and told her what was on my mind. At the very worst time possible. She was back East, dealing with a very ill family member. But at the time, she listened, and it didn't feel totally resolved, but it was an okay conversation. We agreed that I'd come up with the ideas for what to do together, and she'd make more of an effort.

Then, flash forward a month later--I know she's back, I know she's been through a lot, I don't hear from her, so I call. I leave a voicemail, "Just wanted to see how you're doing..." Nothing. The next weekend, I invite her to go to a holiday craft bazaar. She texts back, "Thanks for the invite, I can't go." I feel like it's all kind of chilly, but I'm trying to just be understanding of what she's been through. I text back, "OK. I miss you. Hope we can get together soon. Hope you are doing ok," and leave it at that. But it's bugging me.

Then last night, she calls. She tells me that our conversation has been on her mind and bothering her. She feels I'm judging and measuring her. She'd heard things like this from me before (true, I have tried to have this kind of conversation with her in the past) and she never gets this from any of her other friends. She is who she is, and that I shouldn't expect her to change. She doesn't want to hear this kind of thing from me again. That I told her this at a time when she needed to focus on her family, and I made the conversation about me.

And what did I say? Yep. I've got some lousy timing. I didn't mean to cause her an extra pain when she was already going though so much. And that my intention wasn't to make her feel judged, but tell her I value our friendship, I miss her, and that I want to feel valued too.

And then we hung up the phone and cried.

So there you have it.

So I don't know where I'll be tomorrow. But right now, I think I'm done. I opened up what was in my heart, and asked for a deeper connection, to be more involved in her life, and to have a better relationship, and I was told in effect, "take it or leave it."

So I guess I have to. It is what it is. I can't change that.

I actually imagined trying to talk to her again. Perhaps this time, telling her about what my vision is for what the friendship would look like. And I thought--well, there's a chance she's say "That's not my vision, and not something I want." So more rejection. But what if she says "Ok." Then I have to follow through on that vision. And that feels like it would be a pain in the butt. And I realized right then that I cared more about making her see my point of view, and feeling right, than I did about the friendship.

Ultimately, I think my focus on the friendship and how I'm dissatisfied, or what I can do to make it better, and am I being the better person, or doing the right thing, blah blah blah, has just been a distraction. And it has held me back. I need to focus my energy and time on people and projects that boost me. My family. My creative work. Friends that make time for me. Who don't fall back on "I'm too busy." And now that I'd thought of it that way--that's I'm not losing something--I'm potentially gaining something, I don't feel so bad about it.

What now?

So Friday was cathartic. I left the leadership session feeling cleansed of all my impurities. Clear headed and strong hearted. Saturday was good. But on Sunday, the old anxieties crept back. I felt like the day was not my own. It belonged to D, the house, work that needed to get done before Monday. By 9 am I just wanted to get away. I fled to the shower. Afterward, I sat on the bathroom floor and meditated. Just for like 5 minutes. Did it help? I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe it was getting out of the house and going to the park with D that did it. Either way, I was able to chill out and just take the day as it came.

I'm supposed to do this meditating thing for 30 minutes every day. As I sit there, my mind races. I try to calm it by bringing it back to the now. Tonight, I kept asking, "what now?" and something answered, "go write in your blog." So I did.

If all of this isn't too woo-woo for you, here's something else I've been thinking lately. My house has bad feng shui. It's because of the super tall, skinny house next door. It over-shadows our house and blocks the light. And it's so close (literally about 5 feet away) that it feels oppressive. If my house were a person, it would be unable to turn its head, doomed to look forward forever. Do I need to get over myself, or move?

Perhaps another symptom that I'm on the crazy train (or having a mid-life crisis) is that I ordered two books by Eckhard Tolle.

So glad I have this blog!

I was just scrolling through old entries, laughing at myself, remembering how it felt to be a new mom, and just generally feeling so glad I took the time to write down some of my thoughts and feelings.

Why don't I write here more often? It's so good for me.

Well, so I don't just leave it at that, I'll talk about today. Or maybe I'll start with yesterday, which was like just about every other work day where I run from meeting to meeting, try to keep up with the dozens of emails I get each day in between, run home to spend a little time with D before he crashes, and then work some more. I'm seriously depleted, friends. If you haven't heard from me, this is why.

I know it's not sustainable. For the first time in my life I've found myself questioning whether I am depressed (I kind of think I am) and need drugs. I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love like it is medicine. I crave silence, stillness, peace, solitude. I've been substituting beer, wine, sugar, and coffee.

But today, I didn't go into the office. Instead I went to the first session of a year-long leadership program. My company is paying for me to go. Normally, a business-y "leadership" thing would sound bad. But this wasn't bad at all. It felt a little like therapy. We meditated. We talked about our hearts. I went in feeling all knotted up on my shoulders and left feeling fairly normal.

Tonight I was searching this blog for a poem or photo that defines the essence of me. It's homework for our second session tomorrow. Here's what I've landed on. What do you think? Is this what you think of, when you think of me?