Today, I'm blogging BEFORE I do some work, rather than the other way around, which is what I usually do. But then, by the time I'm done working for the evening, I'm too tired to blog, or it's too late. This time, the work can wait.
Yesterday I had this revelation that I was re-living a childhood trauma. Am I saying that right? What I mean is, repeating bad ju-ju from my past.
Lately at work, I've been feeling pretty beat up. I won't go into the details (you already know one reason why: I'm working too much). Everyone in a position to help seems too distracted to really notice. My manager has cancelled or missed our one-on-one meetings for six weeks in a row. Quite honestly, I was feeling a little abandoned.
But that's when I remembered what I was like as a teenager. My mom was newly divorced, working and going to school, trying to keep us clothed and fed. She was pretty distracted. I know I felt abandoned at the time.
And my reaction? No matter how bad I was feeling, I pretended everything was OK. I guess I didn't want to add to her burden. She had so many other things to worry about. I didn't want her to worry about me.
That's exactly what I've been doing at work. Just soldiering on, acting like I can handle it. Like I'm just fine amidst the chaos.
But here's the thing: back when I was young, I'm not sure I would have wanted my mom to pay attention. I gained a lot of freedom out of her distraction. If I had said something, things would have changed. She'd have been all up in my shit, and that would have killed my free-ranging abilities.
Which is where I get stuck. Asking for help, admitting things are not alright invites others in. You reveal your vulnerability. And with that, you release your control. When you ask for change, it may not be exactly the change you are looking for--there are two people involved in the outcome now.
So I'm trying to figure out how to reframe it. When I'm feeling abandoned, should I think differently about it so that I can keep my independence but not feel miserable? Or should I just ask for help, and let go?
2 comments:
You made this comment, "When you ask for change, it may not be exactly the change you are looking for--there are two people involved in the outcome now." For me there is no "may" about it. It will change in ways I didn't expect. Sometimes it is better, sometimes it is worse. But it is definitely different. I never really connected that it changes because there is another person involved. Asking for something stops being just me thinking about it in my head.
So I guess that would be the question for me. Do you want to stay in your head? Or do you want to throw the dice? The thing about the dice is that sometimes it comes up sevens. But if you stay in your head, things won't change unless you change your thinking. Which, blah, blah, blah...is what you said. Ha! Took me a while to get there.
Maybe reframing the connection might reframe the need. What if you asked your boss to go for a glass of wine? Or to go for a walk? Then it's about making a connection with the person.
Question: does anyone who works for you feel abandoned? How could you make a connection with that person?
p.s. Take this all with a grain of salt. My brain is mush due to the fact that I am not a farmer and why do I need daylight savings time???
Exactly, Ering! If you stay in your head, one thing is certain, nothing will change.
I hope no one who works for me feels abandoned. But it is a good question. What did Ghandi say? Be the change you want to see? Then it's my job to connect.
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