I drew two tarot cards.
“The first will tell me what this weekend will be like with Johnny, the second will tell me what to do about it,” I said to T.
Johnny is T’s old friend. They go way back. I was dreading his visit.
The first card was the ten of wands. Ten bars cross one another at harsh angles against an orange background. Fire. Malice. Ill will. Weathering a difficult situation.
I drew the next card and turned it over. It was the fool.
“That means you should roll with it,” T. laughed
“I was hoping to get one that said ‘run away,'” I grumbled.
I met Johnny for the first time almost ten years ago. T. and I were just starting to date. We drove down to Memphis to spend the weekend at Johnny’s place. I spent the weekend listening to the two of them talk computers, gaming. Johnny chain smoked cigarettes; his fingers were stained yellow from the tar. A visit to the bathroom made me wish I’d brought my flipflops and my own towel—dirt, soap scum, use tissues and q-tips, bristles of hair—this bathroom had never been cleaned. The toilet hadn’t even been flushed.
It was the weekend before Martin Luther King Jr. day, and the Klu Klux Klan was planning to march past hotel where the civil rights leader had been murdered. African-American leaders were planning a counter-march. The police were being called in to keep the peace. Johnny wanted to go. We parked several blocks away from the march route, and got out of the car with helicopters whirring over our heads. Every one was walking in the opposite direction we were. I heard some one say bullets were being fired.
“I’m not going any further,” I said, so Johnny and T. left me standing on the corner. That’s the thing about adventure-loving, Sagittarian T.—he loves the novelty that Johnny provides—there’s just no talking him out of going along with the wacky plan of the moment. In the end, not much happened. T. and Johnny didn’t see any rioting crowds, and my corer stayed quiet. But I couldn’t stop myself from crying the entire rest of the day, even after we’d left Memphis far behind.
About a year later, my relationship with T. in a more solid place, Johnny showed up in our little town in Illinois. He was helping two teenage runaways across the border—a Romeo and Juliet situation. T. took them to a hotel that night, but not before they’d checked their e-mail from his computer. The next morning, we were eating pancakes when there was a knock at the door. The police had traced them through the IP address to T’s house. I was asked to provide identification to prove I was not Juliet. The cops searched the house, asked T. some questions and left. I hoped Johnny would get caught and put in jail.
He didn’t. Instead he moved into our small town. And when we moved to Cleveland together, he followed us there. T. and I had too many arguments about the amount of time Johnny spent on our couch. It seemed that just about every weekend I’d wake up to find him in our living room. When we moved to Portland a year later, I was terrified he’d follow us yet again. Instead, he went to Vancouver, B.C., then back to Cleveland, and finally on to New Orleans, everywhere stirring up chaos. Marriages, divorces, fathering children, giving them up for adoption, getting hired, then getting fired. At one point, he called to say he was working at an S&M brothel. T. would relay new details after each time they’d talked, and I’d think, “What a train wreck. Thank god he’s not here.”
I tell you all this to give you some background about who Johnny is. Was. I don’t know how to ease into the next part. Maybe I shouldn’t try to ease, because when Johnny became Miss Dixie it was a pretty abrupt transition for me too.
Maybe the S&M brothel should have tipped me off. Or I should have put some of the other pieces together—Johnny’s leather and latex fetish? The kind of kinky stuff he’d allude to doing with his girlfriends? I don’t know. I can try to search for clues, but I think we’re trained to be oblivious to a boy signaling he really wants to be a girl. When T. told me Johnny was taking hormones and going by the name “Dixie,” I wasn’t exactly surprised, but I didn’t really expect it either.
I mean, I’m a former English grad student. I’ve been up to my eyeballs in gender theory, queer theory, feminist theory, psychoanalytic blah blah blah. Two points for you, Judy Butler. Gender is a performance, you say? I bought into Johnny’s performance, and performed right back, picking up on his masculine signifiers, perhaps passing over his feminine ones, and behaving the way a woman is supposed to behave toward a man.
And so now, Johnny…or Miss Dixie was on her way to our house, and I realized I didn’t know what to expect. How would he show up? As a she? Would he want me to call him “Dixie”? How should I act? What should I say? And oh yeah, I kind of didn’t like the original person too much, so I wasn’t so excited about this new person either. I braced myself.
I didn’t see Dixie until Sunday morning. She was supposed to arrive Friday night, but she missed her flight and had to fly stand-by. So she got into town late on Saturday, long after I’d gone to bed. I must have slept with my jaw tensed all night, because I woke up with a headache. I was making coffee when she appeared, scrambling to find her purse and answer her cell phone.
I expected her to look more like a woman. An awkward woman. I mean, Johnny was, after all, over six feet tall. He had big feet, and long arms and legs. He played goalie on his high school’s soccer team—his long reach was perfect for blocking shots. But Dixie was just a long-haired version of Johnny. Maybe she was wearing a wig? Her hair was red and purple, and looked stiff. Her makeup smeary from sleep. Cakey eyeliner, eye shadow and clumpy mascara. She wore women’s jeans, and a striped v-neck sweater that wasn’t exactly feminine, but nothing a man would wear. Her purse a bad Gucci knock-off—a patchwork of logos, black leather and a silver studded shoulder strap. She was a bad imitation too.
She was nervous. A scared, awkward deer. I offered her coffee.
“Thanks. And it’s even French press,” she whispered in a weird, conciliatory way, then skittered into the back room where her cell phone was ringing again.
T. got up and we made breakfast. He’d already spent some time with Dixie, since he picked her up at the airport. I was so impressed—he wasn’t phased at all. Dixie’s just an old friend as far as he let on, and we sat around the table listening to stories about New Orleans, hurricane Katrina and the aftermath. She loved the city, but left it to go back to Vancouver, B.C. There’s too much poverty, too much crime in New Orleans. It’s not a safe place for Dixie to be. She told us “lagniappe,” isn’t something good, like I thought. It’s not a little something extra for free, at least any more. It’s more like those guys in New York who wash your windshield while you’re sitting at the traffic light, and want you to pay even though you didn’t even want them to do the job. Everyone in New Orleans expects a tip, a handout, she said. Nothing is for free. Nothing is done just to be nice.
Before she left Louisiana, the FBI shook Dixie down. They discovered one of her “business cards” in the pocket of a dead man. He’d been shot twice in the back. I didn’t ask what line of business Dixie was in. I already knew she’d joined the oldest profession in the world. I’d never considered that profession would require business cards.
I didn’t know how to address her, feeling too bold to come out and say her name. I just said things like, “Would you like more coffee?” “How was your flight?” playing the ambiguous pronoun game to save me from offending. I’m sure it didn’t give me cover—she knew what I was doing for sure. She even seemed nervous about it. She said the last time she was home, she didn’t go see an old friend because she didn’t think he could deal.
“You know, because I’m a girl now,” she added, almost in an unsure tone. Maybe she was testing us out. Seeing how we’d react. It must have been be weird for her too.
She told us a story about a really attractive girl she once knew. The world seemed to bend around this girl—people acted differently around her. She could have anything she wanted. Dixie’s goal was to be just like the girl. She wanted that kind of attention. She was going tanning, doing yoga, had created a whole maintenance routine.
“You judge your own progress by looking in the mirror,” she explained. Yeah, that is kind of what it’s like to be a woman, I thought.
As I sat there, I felt she was a spinning top, flashing a separate possible identity on each side as she whirred around. She said she’ll infiltrate the lesbian crowd in Vancouver. That’s where she’s found the most acceptance so far. Gay men don’t like her. Lesbian women seem to have a “you go girl” attitude. But honestly, I don’t know where she’ll easily fit in. I was a little sad, because for the first time I realized that all of Johnny’s chaos, his moving from city to city, and now this identity crisis is just an attempt to find a home. Dixie’s a spinning top that’s longing to come to a standstill. After the hormones, the surgeries she’s talking about, will she be able to stop spinning?
I remembered a prediction I made years ago: Johnny’d end up an old man, still wandering around, couch surfing, relying on the others to help him out, give him a few bucks, put up with his shit. And the older he got, the less patient he’d find people to be. People may put up with a teenager crashing on their couch, but feel less generous toward a middle-aged man. (Dixie’s already lying about her age.) But I took little pleasure in being correct. It was not a schadenfreude moment.
She sorted through her luggage—four footlockers worth of crap—deciding what to take, what to leave behind with us. She planned on telling the customs police that she was vacationing in Canada, so she couldn’t take everything with her. Four footlockers would have screamed “illegal alien.”
Her boyfriend came to pick her up. A Shell Oil executive from Houston. I don’t know why he was in Portland, how long he was planning to stay with Dixie. Once again, if this part of the story seems to come out of nowhere for you, just know it did for me too. All of a sudden a purple Chevy pulled up in our driveway. A 55-year old man with a gray beard got out. Refered to her as “Dix.” Said he was happy to see “her” without a hitch. Gave her a silver ring. I think he's the one who is going to pay for those surgeries. At least the breast implants. I wondered how would they describe their relationship? Dixie was a woman with male parts. Is it homosexual? Heterosexual? Maybe there’s another word? Maybe there’s no word.
Those tarot cards were right on. I really was the fool.
