There's a certain face that D. makes, where I can see my dad in him. It's usually when I'm pushing him in the stroller, and he gets really intense. His lips purse and his eyes go wide. I was surprised the first time I noticed it. I shouldn't have been though. I think D. looks a lot like my brother, and my brother looks a lot like my dad, so sure...it makes sense. I guess it wasn't something I wanted to see though.
I haven't spoken to my dad in more than ten years. In that time, I've only written him twice. The first time was to tell him I got married. He sent me a $150 check as a wedding present, and I shredded it. I didn't want his money in lieu of a relationship, and I didn't want him to think I was just writing him to get money either. More recently, I wrote to let him know he had a grandson.
This estrangement began after many years of my reaching out, having some sort of unfulfilling interaction with him where I came away feeling rejected and hurt. Now, as an adult, I can see he probably didn't mean any of it. He is a poor communicator, he's emotionally unavailable, but not a bad person. He had extraordinarily bad judgment when he got married without telling me, when he moved to Chicago without letting me know. The former probably happened because he didn't know how to tell me that he had a new wife. He felt he was sparing my feelings by not telling me. The latter? I have no idea. Maybe he justified it by telling himself he was busy, he'd get around to writing me, or perhaps he thought I didn't really care anyway. But as a newly independent 20-something, after many years of this tense dance, I told myself I couldn't take the rejection anymore, and I cut all ties.
Of course, I've wondered every now and then if I did the right thing. It's helped me heal a bit, but I always imagine my dad getting old and dying, this rift still between us. I don't want that. But I also don't want to start the old cycle of reaching out, feeling hurt, reaching out again. What I want is for him to reach out to me this time. But I don't know if that will ever happen.
And now I have this new little person in my life. He's a physical reminder of my dad. And a I can't help but think, in some superstitious way, that the resemblance is for a reason. Is the universe telling me I can't just turn away?
4 comments:
Has your dad replied to your most recent note about little D?
He did write back. He said he was ecstatic to be a grandfather and wanted me to send a picture. He also said, "I know all has not gone well between us but I think of both of you and [your brother] often and wish you both well." I don't quite know what to make of it. The language he chooses seems to keep the distance between us. When wish someone well, it's kind of like saying "have a nice life."
Hmmmm. Sometimes it's best to cut all ties, rather than continue setting yourself up for disappointment and pain. As you mentioned it allowed you to heal.
You can always change your mind down the road at any time, but it doesn't sound like he wants (or knows how) to reach out to you himself, so I wouldn't look for him to make the first move. That's my take on it (not that you asked!).
...this rift still between us.
Boy, can I related to this post! This line esp. resonated with me. Not sure if you knew this, but I went about 12 years not talking to my mother (okay, more like not having any relationship with her). It was my choice, for various reasons I won't go into here...
I can see why you would hesitate to reach out more to your dad, and why you might take his note back the way you do. For me, I knew that eventually... somehow, someday, I would want to try to rebuild a relationship with her. I did not want to wonder, "What if...?" And that was during a time when I wasn't sure I wanted kids, FWIW. Anyway, with time and a therapist I was able to have a relationship with my mom again, but on my own terms when I was ready. (She tried to force it for a long time but that just pushed me away further.)
You can always think it over more and reach out when you feel ready, but at some point, our parents will be gone and that window of opportunity too. IMO, if you have a shred of interest in changing the status of your relationship, pursue it. Granted, I don't know all the history with your dad, but that's my gut reaction.
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