100 Things

1. I grew up in East Aurora, New York, a small town South of Buffalo.
2. But I was actually born near Chicago, Illinois. I spent the first six years of my life there.
3. East Aurora is the home of the Roycroft Movement, an arts and crafts movement led by 19th century philosopher and writer, Elbert Hubbard. The style of the period is carried on today by the potters, furniture makers and silversmiths that still work on the Roycroft Campus.
4. I lived in a total of four different homes in East Aurora. One that my mom and dad bought when we moved there (Elmwood), one my mom bought when she and my dad divorced (Sycamore), the one we moved into when she married my step-dad (South Street), and the one we moved into when she got sick of feeling like South Street was never really her home (The Meadows).
5. The houses on Elmwood and South Street were haunted.
6. I consider my mom and dad’s divorce a good thing. I don’t know who I would be today if they had stayed together.
7. I wasn’t invited to the wedding, nor informed when my dad remarried. I found out by guessing and then confronting him. We were at his company picnic, and people kept congratulating him. His new wife had a ring on her left finger. Geez, I was 12 but I wasn’t stupid.
8. I also found out that my dad had moved from his home in Belfast, NY to Chicago, IL on my own. I hadn’t been able to contact him for some time—no one was answering his phone. So I called his office. The receptionist was appalled that his own daughter hasn’t been told.
9. I have one brother, Stephen.
10. He’s a performance artist. If you click on the Cupola Bobber link, you can view his website.
11. I have many step-siblings. Corie (34), Michael (31), the twins, Gregory and David (26) are my step-dad’s children. Brandon and “Randy J.” are my dad’s step-children. I have never met Randy J.
12. Stephen and I moved in with Mike, Dave, and Greg when I was a junior in high school. Corie was already in college.
13. I had to share a bathroom with all of them. It sucked. The toilet would get clogged a lot.
14. Mike stole my jewelry. I suspect he took it for beer money. My mom had to put a deadbolt on her bedroom door so he couldn’t steal her money.
15. I was always hungry living with so many boys. My best friend at the time bought me food for my birthday.
16. I still horde food.
17. Everyone thought I was a goody-two-shoes. In reality, I drank a lot and got myself into all sorts of compromising situations.
18. I have played many competitive sports: ice skating, swimming (free and fly) soccer (fullback), skiing (downhill and cross-country), tennis, and volleyball. I also danced.
19. I consider this the reason that I am still so athletic. I ran Hood to Coast last year, and race in triathlons and other events each summer.
20. I just started taking yoga. I love it!
21. I went to college at the mid-sized research institution, University of Rochester.
22. At first, I thought I wanted to be a biologist.
23. But then I started talking English and women’s studies classes. My science days were over.
24. By the time I graduated, I hated men. I has two crappy boyfriends while I was there. A possessive and physically-abusive Cuban man, and the aforementioned now-gay man.
25. I read a lot of feminist philosophy and listened to a lot of Ani DiFranco at that time.
26. However crappy they were, they each introduced me to one thing that today I still love: café con leche (the Cuban), and NPR (the gay man).
27. I managed to study abroad in Bath, England for the first semester of my senior year.
28. I loved Bath as much as I now love Portland. I had the best time just walking through the streets.
29. I survived by drinking tea and eating digestive biscuits (cookies, really). There is nothing else to eat in all of England. ‘Cept maybe a pork pie.
30. I spend a miserable year after college working at the University of Buffalo’s medical school.
31. Some days, I would tell my boss I was going to the library to do some research, and I would fall asleep in the stacks.
32. I was relieved when I was accepted into the graduate English program at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.
33. Grad school was the first place I felt like I fit in. For the first time, I was surrounded by people who didn’t give me weird looks when I said I liked books, and that my favorite one was written by Edith Wharton.
34. My two best friends and I were labeled “the troika” by a group of horny, young, male grad students. It made me feel like a James Bond girl, dangerous and desirable.
35. For the first time, I partied more than I studied.
36. I discovered the pleasures of Bell’s beer, gin and tonics, swing dancing, and pool.
37. I met my partner, Tony, there.
38. Our first encounter was near the English building, as I was walking along with one of those horny, young, male grad students, Dan Yezbick. Dan knew Tony and said hello. Tony had long hair pulled back in a ponytail. He was dressed in a dress shirt and long pants and was carrying a leather shoulder bag. Mind you, this was a college campus in August.
39. I would see Tony every T, Th, as he taught his rhetoric section right before mine in the same classroom.
40. Our first conversation was about his being in grad school to “escape the inevitable,” (???).
41. I thereafter called him “Mr. Bitter Man.”
42. We’ve been together for almost eight years.
43. We left grad school together and moved to Cleveland, Ohio for a year.
44. Cleveland is a death trap. It almost killed me.
45. While there, I worked for a dot.com called “Gooey Industries.”
46. Gooey’s logo looked like a dog turd with eyes.
47. I was hired as “copywriter.” When I left, my title was “Executive Vice President of Marketing and Sales.” This took me nine whole months to achieve.
48. Everyone smoked there. They smoked at their desks and in meetings. If I get lung cancer, I’m going to sue them.
49. You can read about the company insanity on www.fuckedcompany.com by searching the archives for “Gooey.”
50. A Jehovah’s Witness just came to my door and wanted to read me a scripture. He asked me if I had problems with the government.
51. I have many problems with our government. I’m not about to talk them over with a Jehovah’s Witness.
52. We get a lot of religious missionaries here. We live near a big evangelical church called the “Apostolic Church of Christ.”
53. It doesn’t look much like a church. It looks a little like a military compound.
54. One day at Gooey, I just got sick of it and quit.
55. I had decided to move to Portland, Oregon.
56. It was the gardens that convinced me.
57. While living here, I’ve worked for a big four accounting firm (okay but bland), a regional law firm (spawn of Satan) and now I have my dream job as a writer.
58. I take that back. My dream job is Poet Laureate.
59. During my time at the law firm, I was sexually harassed by both my boss and some of the lawyers.
60. Two lawyers decided to make a bet about whether I would flash them during a firm-sponsored run.
61. One of the lawyers was a woman. If she lost the bet (meaning that the male lawyer convinced me to flash), she was supposed to run naked.
62. I don’t think she ever intended to run naked. She just wanted to embarrass me.
63. The male lawyer was just a jerk.
64. My friend’s theory was that she did it because I was like a governess. Not a lawyer, and not a secretary (not a wife, not a mother, not a hooker) but something in between. It made me a threat.
65. I found this to be an interesting theory.
66. I now work for a creative agency where I feel appreciated.
67. We do lots of work for BIG technology companies and BIG financial companies.
68. But I have one really cool project right now writing bios for well-known authors. I am writing bios for Robert Pinsky and Anchee Min.
69. They are amazing people.
70. Jesus. It is really hard trying to get 100 of these!
71. I live in the southeast part of Portland.
72. It’s less yuppie than other parts of the city.
73. I like it because you can still see 1970’s VWs or Toyota trucks here. Volvos and Chevys too.
74. We have a bee hive in our back yard.
75. Last year, during the hottest weeks, the bees would form a “beard” on the outside of the hive to keep the hive cool.
76. The hive also fell over one day. Tony had to stand it upright again. He got stung a few times.
77. I am waiting for the day when one of my uptight neighbors knocks on the door and tells me I need to get rid of the bees.
78. People tend to freak out about bees, though I like them.
79. We also have two cats and two dogs.
80. Domi, a fourteen year-old terrier, chases bubbles, eats poop, and scratches his butt on the couch.
81. Bela, a four year-old lab/shepherd, wakes me up every morning as soon as the sun comes up. She likes to eat my socks. She also ate my Mont Blanc fountain pen!
82. Wyley, an eight year-old calico drinks directly from the faucet.
83. Harley, a fourteen year-old orange tabby, drools when she is happy.
84. I’d like to get a bat house next.
85. A word I hate: slacks
86. A word I love: neutical.
87. If I were on death row, I’d request a ploughman’s lunch for my last meal, as well as a pint of good beer. Don’t forget the pickle.
88. I dream often of ghosts.
89. I once dreamed of the apocalypse.
90. When I’m stressed, I dream of dirty public bathrooms (hello, Freud?).
91. If I could invite anyone to dinner, dead or living, I’d invite Patti Smith, Francis McDormand, Peggy Guggenheim.
92. If I were stranded on a desert island, the one book like to have with me is The Hours.
93. Can I change my mind? A survival guide. Duh.
94. I love stories of people stranded on desert islands. I even liked Castaway. I was fascinated by the scene where Tom Hank’s character removes his own tooth.
95. If I were an animal, I’d probably be a cat.
96. Tony would be a shark.
97. I believe in astrology. Aquarius. Aries rising, Taurus moon.
98. I like to guess the sign of people I’ve just met.
99. I’m suspicious of Cancers and Libras.
100. I’ve never met a Gemini or Sagittarius I didn’t like.