A strange thing has happened since I started this Blog. I find myself checking it several times a day, although I have nothing to post, and a total of four people know about it. Rationally, I know that nothing will change unless I change it. But I'm craving comments, interaction, recognition. Something more than just my own voice.
I almost sent an e-mail out to my friends and family yesterday, giving them a link to the blog, and asking them to read my writing. But I hestitated. The self-promotion felt awkward. I didn't want my friends to feel I was putting a blog in place of real one-on-one communication with them (like some people do with junk e-mail and chain letters). Also, I felt like maybe I should keep this private. What if I want to rant about someone that's pissed me off? I'd only be able to do that in my old-fashioned, off-line (read: paper) journal, and not on this blog. And I felt I might want to do that here at some point, though I know when it comes time, I'll be too chicken-shit to do it.
Blog space is a hard thing for me to negotiate. Sitting here in the privacy of my living room compels me to reveal truths about myself. But this is public, and the truth is a little freaky. Or mean. Or boring. I abandoned my first blog because I couldn't deal with the fact that my friend Scott was reading it. It was more a personal journal than this is, and I was bitching about Tony, and I'd never bitch about Tony to Scott in real life, so it felt terrible to be doing it virtually. And though it was public, I felt like my privacy was invaded. How dare he read my blog! I didn't want someone I actually knew to read it. I only wanted people I didn't know to read it. I wanted anonymous connection.
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It's so easy as an adult to drift away into this adult land where you only talk about interior decoration, or travel abroad, or dogs or kids or whatever. I can't remember the last time I had a totally intense, all night, heartwrenching conversation with someone. Where's that connection? That heart in your throat moment when you know someone else is right there with you? (Maybe that wasn't connection. Maybe that was hormones.)
Aren't there just those moments where you're sitting around with the people you love, and you're thinking, "Okay...this is a pleasant conversation, but what do you really think?" If you were to really say that, your companions would probably say, "What do I think about what?" And you would say, "I don't know. About anything. Tell me what you really think." What you would want from them is something dark and deep. Or maybe you just want them to tell you that they have always been in love with you but never had the guts to tell you. Or maybe you don't know what you want, you just think there needs to be more than this. That, before we die, we need to say something real. Something that's more than dogs, or couches or jobs. Say something that hums just like sex, or tastes better than chocolate, and pulls you to me and keeps us there forever.
3 comments:
I liked your post, I think it spoke to the struggle that some of us face between small talk and serious talk. It is easy to fill the uncomfortable silence with simple banter about the weather and the news, but it is entirely another to say something from the heart regardless of its consequences. Don't worry about the recognition of your blog, or its lack, just be true to you and it will all shake out in the end, friend.....
Well, I certainly can relate to what you're saying. Sometimes I feel like since I left grad school I haven't had a single "real" conversation. I know that isn't true, but it's pretty rare these days. Do you think it can only be achieved by talking in person? I'm not confident in the ability of virtual conversation - or phone conversation - to duplicate the "connection" you're talking about. Which is why I think online teaching is basically bullshit - you just can't compare with having people together in a room, talking honestly to each other.
interesting that you should bring up the subject of online school or the virtual university as it is sometimes referred. We were just talking about that in my Work, Culture, and Globalization class the other day. The statistics are starting to go against the idea of online learning. Students who are taking classes online are starting to show lower test scores on standarized tests. Plus, many students in my class agreed with what you said in essence. You can't make up for the connection that you are forced to make when 12-15 students are put in a room and have to discuss topics that are difficult. It truly is one of the most ineffiecent and effective means of education.
Back to what you were saying about talking to others. My wife and I, have begun to realize how cut-off and detached academia can be. Not because of pretention or "holier-than thou" attitudes, but simply because it is difficult to talk to people who are not informed, aware, or cognizant of what is happening everyday. These people include much of my family, and it is very sad for me. I have tried to remember how much my parents sacrificed for me when I was growning up, but it is still difficult to conversate with them. Anyway, that is just my two bits...check out my blog sometime if you have a moment. Later.
Harley
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