Obsessive

I didn't know this when I met him, but Tony is obsessive compulsive. I should have known, because his mom has some of the same problems. For years she hoarded baskets and cleaning supplies. They had closets full of shampoo and paper towels. Tony's issues are getting worse by the day. I'm praying that he is accepted into law school so that he will have some place to funnel his now misdirected energy.

Right now, I'm sitting in front of a bowl of rain barrel parts. It's a lovely bowl, turned by hand and glazed with brilliant, earthy glazes. The parts came in plastic packaging, but Tony obsessively unwrapped them and placed them in the bowl.

These are Tony's obsessive traits:

1. REMOVE ALL PACKAGING IF POSSIBLE. Everything gets unwrapped and placed in another container of some kind. Glass jars are a favorite. For example,

• Coffee, rice, dried beans get placed in mason jars
• The plastic wrap is immediately removed from the toilet paper and it is stacked below the bathroom sink

Sometimes I come home and he's obsessively organized the kitchen, removing one substance from its original packaging and placing it into a jar. We have a whole cupboard full of items I no longer can identify nor do I know how to cook. Orzo? Boil 10 or 40 minutes? Is that corn starch, or dry milk?

2. COLLECT CONTAINERS. This makes obsessive trait #1 possible. At one point, our entire freezer was stacked full of empty beer and wine bottles. Tony brews beer, so having a few of these is understandable. But we had way more than we could ever need. He also likes mason jars, kegs, carboys and other containment devices.

3. DEPARTURE RITUAL.

• Check all doors. Turn handle to make sure it is locked.
• Check stove and oven. Say, "Off, off, off" as he checks. (On bad days he will do this two or three times.)
• Check toaster. Is it unplugged? (He's convinced it may start a fire if it's plugged in.)
• Check all kithen appliances, like the coffee pot.
• Check water faucet. Is it dripping?
• Say "meth lab security," as we deadbolt the front door.

What he MEANS by that last one is not that we have a meth lab in our house, but that we're keeping the meth addicts from breaking in and robbing us. A common problem in our neighborhood.

4. VOCALIZE ABSURDITY. His favorite now is to say "G.R. chicken butt" over and over again. It's a combination of the word "grumpy," which he often calls me, and the third-grade joke,
"Guess What?"
"Chicken butt."
Usuallly it's something a little more embarrasing. For example, he once picked up the phrase "reverse anal" from our friend Kip, who was himself obsessed with the idea that republican women were wild cats in bed. He said they all wore thongs and did reverse anal. I could not get him to explain what reverse anal was.

Sometimes, instead of singing an absurd phrase, he just claps. He has a very lound clap. It hurts my ears.