I've been home all week sick with the flu. A half-human, half-virus version of myself with chills and sweats, sore throat and mountains of mucus. Yuck. Being sick is such a drippy process. Every pore screams out, "I EXIST!" by excreting fluid.
In the midst of this, I got my first issue of Poets & Writers. I ordered it about two months ago. I was feeling good about the direction of "Lost." Praxis was about to come out. I suppose I was high on the idea of being a "real" writer and I thought the magazine would do me some good.
Maybe it was the phlegm, but it felt like it was P&W that was making me sick. EVERY $%^#& PAGE hosts an advertisement for an MFA program. The others hold ads for expensive residencies, and workshops. The articles are all written by writers that sit in cushy academic jobs. They spew analysis and intellectia. Rather than encourage struggling writers to keep going, it seems set up to discourage. This magazine is about the business of writing. It's not about the art of writing. It's about money, not love.
This past year I've accomplished a lot. I've written a few things I'm proud of. More importantly, I've kept writing. Every single week. No excuses. Whatever crap comes out. I'm there with my notebook. It may not seem like much, but it is. Just the commitment to keep going is huge for me. And the further I go, the more protective I feel about my art. I want to plug my ears when I hear other writers talking about blocks, or that they don't have enough time, or whatever. Even conversations about craft, or revisions are scary. I fear that anyone else's vision of what it means to be a writer--be it the almighty P&W or the Joe schmoe next to me--might infect my own and make me sick.
So...I think I'm going to donate my subscription to some local non-profit arts organization or something, if I can do that. Maybe there will come a time when I'm ready to dive into the business side of writing. But this year, my only resolution is to keep going.
3 comments:
Hey, maybe those writing advertisements are telling you where you should send the writings you are proud of. maybe there is a forcast of some sort letting you know where this could possibly lead for you. Before you give away that subscription do what the cliche says and "read between the lines". Good luck to you and thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggles on/with writing. COngrats on writing weekly without fail. I know how hard it is for writers to keep the promise of writing - even though we love it so much.
I know the feeling of not wanting to acknowledge the "biz" side of things... I feel similarly about academia. I want to think of teaching and scholarly writing in an idealistic way, but it's impossible - the presence of The Market and things like status and schmoozing and moving and shaking are always there. Plus my experience has shown me how much universities these days are like corporations - they're all about money and the bottom line. That's what those MFA programs are about too. It's just rather depressing that P&W seem to promote that.
You've probably already done this, but have you checked out the magazine rack at Powell's? I'll bet there's something less corporate than Poet & Writer out there.
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