40+ hours a week and I arrive home with only the worst parts of me intact. The food hoarder, beer guzzler, bitch, sloth, whiney parts. The better parts get spent uselessly on clients and co-workers, coffee runs, and e-mails.
I walk in the door and my priorities are drink, shit, eat, sleep, leave me alone. Leave me the fuck alone.
I thought this job would be better. It is. But I'm still exhausted. I'm still unable to cope, addicted to caffine and alcohol, craving space from telephones, friends, and family.
It's not them. It's me. I've sold my brain to someone else for the past 10 hours and I just got it back! I want to keep it to myself before I have to consider their thirst, hunger, exhaustion, sickness, whatever it is they want to me to take care of. And there are animals, and mail, and unanswered phone calls, and oh yeah, better exercise so I don't get fat (I'm getting fatter every day, fat ass).
I spend time with friends and I barely hear what they say because I'm thinking I only have two hours and then need to go back to laundry, groceries, oil change, cat food, drain cleaner, garbage. I eat food and forget I'm chewing. My mouth is full and I taste nothing. The only time I am truely happy is tucked in bed, the lights still on and slightly drowsy, I have seven blissful hours of nothing in front of me with space from my life, my fat body, my dissapointment.
3 comments:
Omigod. That is just horrible. The metaphor about selling your brain is chilling.
A few things that might help:
Get out on a hike this weekend. The wildflowers are beautiful just now. Good for the soul and the ass.
Permanantly delegate some of those household chores: laundry, drain cleaning, garbage, oil change, etc. to Tony.
Take a mental health day and don't do anything you don't want to do on that day. No catching up on chores. Maybe have a massage or a facial or something like that if that sounds appealing.
Keep working on an exit/modification strategy. Is there any way you could work part time? It sounds like your bosses might be open to it. I will make you a copy of that quitting tape ASAP!!! I know quitting is probably not feasible, but it's still a thought-provoking thing to listen to.
A and I had a talk about this kind of thing lately - about how we see the worst parts of each other at home because we use up our good qualities at work. I have the same thoughts as you about the fat, too - even though I know that neither of us is actually fat. I owe you a phone call, too - I will call this weekend, and we can catch up, if you're not on that hike. :)
Take a load off, Pamy.
Take a load for free.
And Brenna is right. This is everywhere.
My advice?
Hell, be broke, eat out more, and , as the Penguin said in "Fight Club", slide....
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