The beginning

New! New! New!

Wow. It's been ages since I've posted. I'm afraid I've been cheating on my trusty friend blog, with the very intoxicating Facebook. Facebook, combined with Flickr are chewing up most of my online time these days.

Well, I did make my Praxis deadline, and "Thoughts about Candy" came out with its release in December. I'm still trying to figure out how to post the frames here, in a size that's readable. I have been getting all sorts of feedback from people who've read the print version--much more than my other stories have received. Maybe it's the images plus text that generates a strong reaction, but it's also the subject matter. I've been hearing lots of candy memories from people. And candy confessions.

One of my favorite x-mas gifts was a Bamboo tablet (thanks, T!). I plan to use it to do a revision of "Thoughts about Candy" digitally. Yay! I have had lots of thoughts already about little things I want to add. I am also considering self-publishing an extended version of it. I also have been thinking about making my four girls/River/Stand by Me piece into a graphic novel. So that's something I'll be experimenting with this year. I can imagine the Glowy Man part really coming to life in a graphic format. I'm itching to start.

WTF, indeed

This morning, we are ordering breakfast at Autentica. My father-in-law points to something on the menu and asks the waitress, "Can I get this with potatoes instead of eggs?"

"We don't have potatoes," she answers.

"Okay, well just give me this without the eggs."

Maybe she did a double-take, but I didn't notice. Twenty minutes or so later, she is back with our food. She places a plate with a thin slice of ham covered in red sauce in front of my father-in-law and says, "huevos rancheros," amazingly, with a straight face.

"You ordered huevos rancheros without the eggs?" I said. "But huevos means egg."

It was kind of funny, until I realized I was going to pay 12 dollars for his plate of sauce.

It's not his fault. I don't think he knew what he was going to get. But the waitress--she couldn't have asked "Are you sure you want that?" Had I known what he was pointing at, I would have stopped him. I consider it supremely bad service to fill ridiculous orders without at least asking, "You're sure about that?"

I felt really bad that he only had a slice of ham for breakfast, so I made sure we swung into the doughnut shop on the way home.

Morning walk

The day started early because of the time change. So we went for an early morning walk. D is big enough to sit in the Ergo now, which makes walking much more fun for the both of us. D can see more than just tree tops and sky, and we both get some snuggle time.

We got all the way to the park and back, and it was only 9:15. Sigh. It's going to be a long day. We will probably take another stroll before the day is done, as long as it's not pouring rain.

Another thing that makes it a long day--the election is only two days away. (You didn't need me to tell you that.) I can't wait for it to be over. I'm exhausted by waiting. At least there are moments like this that give me that hope:














Of course, this is Oregon, and there are many parts of the country where Republicans are going to vote the party line.

Oh, Oregon. How I love you. I wish the rest of the country were as great as you.

Work in progress

So there's a sneak-preview of my work in progress. The draft is on the left, and you can see what should be the final (or at least final for now) on the right. The goal is to have everything done before Thanksgiving, which is the deadline for this year's Praxis. I should just make it.

No tolerance for death

I've always really liked Halloween. That's partly because it's candy-centric (I like Valentine's day for the same reason. No boy in the picture? Who cares! There's always chocolate!). I also really like dressing up in costumes.

This year, I feel a little differently. Last night, as I was walking past a house all decked-out with ghosts and a fake graveyard, I thought "Egh. How morbid." My reaction took me by surprise. I usually love this stuff! The skeleton bones just seemed so sad. It was just for fun, but it reminded me too much of real bones resting in the cemetery.

I get the same sinking feeling whenever I see a really violent movie these days. I have no tolerance for gore and death. In Bruge was an excellent film, and thank goodness all the blood and guts came at the end, otherwise I would have never seen it.

I guess that now that I've brought life into the world, I just see no point in focusing on death. Not to get lecture-y or anything, but there's so much to appreciate about life, so much to live for, why do we have to have all this stuff where killing people is the focus?

Anyway, I hope that's not the end for Halloween for me. There are still the costumes, the pumpkins, the apple cider and the candy.

Guarding time

Now that I have much less of it, I've been extremely selective about how I spend my free time. Some of it's necessarily spent on things like shopping and cleaning (though my standards have gone waaaay down these days...the toilet doesn't get scrubbed until it gets that gross ring at the water line, and that would NEVER have happened in my pre-baby days). Beyond that, I get to choose, and sure as hell, I am not going to waste my time on mediocre movies or outings that aren't fun for me. A few weeks ago, I sat down to watch This is Spinal Tap, which I had never seen, and a third of the way through, I turned it off and headed to bed. Sorry...maybe it would haven been funny if I were 25, or a man, but it just wasn't doing it for me. Sleep was much more interesting.

Yesterday, I did haul 10 dead six-foot arborvitae out of the ground, which seems like it might be a waste of time, but I felt very satisfied afterward. My hard work means I get to plant something there next week. I have been itching to get my fingers into the soil, and all that shoveling did the trick.

That's the thing about motherhood...it makes you much more focused. I really do think about who I want to spend time with, and what I want to be doing. I want to take a walk in the autumn sunlight, I want to watch D. sleeping, I want to do a bit of writing, I want to pour myself a nice glass of wine then drink it while I cook Sunday dinner. All these things are worth it.

Plugs

My creative writing life has been subsumed by the creation of the second draft of my graphic story, which I can't show you just yet. But my professional writing life, I can share. Here are the highlights:

From time to time, I contribute to my company's blog, Shiny Green Button, which focuses on issues of brands, communications and sustainability. My recent contribution is titled Magritte's paper cup, which I think is a very clever title if I do say so myself.

I also have a new article in IN|UR. It's their "Happiness" issue, and this time I've written about my HypnoBirthing experience. I'm so glad they went with my original title, even though it's a little plain-jane. They had suggested "HypnoBirthing the Night Away," which I thought was corny. But whatever...it's their magazine.

Buh.

There's this scene in Overboard--that's right--Overboard with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, where Goldie's at home with the four out-of-control boys, doing wifely things like cleaning and cooking and ... using a chain saw to cut down a tree??? And then at the end of the scene she's shown sitting in a chair, sort of shell shocked, muttering "buh buh buh buh buh." I always laugh at that scene. And today I feel a little bit buh buh buh myself.

The weekend started out with a bout of food poisoning. I barfed midway through the presidental debate (highly apt) and spent the night tossing and turning with nausea. Then last night, D. awoke, just as I was about to go to bed, and he was burning like a hot potato. His temp was somewhere around 102, and he was inconsolable. I spent the night nursing him off and on, and then boing! 6 am he is better and ready to go and I am feeling fried. Then T. came down with some sort of bug, which meant that I was pretty much on my own taking care of D. today. Gah. And it was one of those days where I'm constantly changing my shirt because I get spit up on, except once it wasn't spit-up but poop.

I should be in bed, since D. is finally down for the night (let's hope his temp doesn't spike again) but I am insane enough to be staying up to watch Mad Men. But you know, I've been sleep deprived for the last three months, so what's a little more lost sleep?

Have you seen this?

Brilliant!

A room with a view

The view from my office.

I was wrong. I thought the first day leaving D. at daycare would be the hardest, and every day after that would get easier. But yesterday, I skipped out after leaving him in the arms of a caregiver, turned up the radio in my car and blissed out to a Pixies tune at full blast on the way to the office.

The first day was nothing. But every subsequent day, it's getting harder. I closed my eyes tight this morning to keep the tears from spilling out.

The view from my office is stunning. On sunny days, the light pocks the surface of the Columbia River with white. I watch trains pass over the bridge on their way to Seattle or Spokane. But it turns out the limited, never-changing view from D's room, is more interesting to me.

Danny Elfman lives here?

It looks like your average house. But every time I walk past this place--it doesn't matter what time of day it is--a very creepy music emanates from within. It's like someone has raided the silverware drawer and is using the spoons to tap glasses of water. Clink clink clink, in a random succession of notes. I've looked for some sort of metal mobile that's clinking in the wind, but in vain. So I've been imagining someone inside making a weird, Edward Scissorhands-tune all day and all night long.

Today is my last day before heading back to work. The last day to take long walks with D. past all sorts of creepy houses, and creepy mannequins, and pirate flags and countless lovely gardens. I guess we'll have weekends, but it won't be quite the same.

It's been such a good summer.

Good thing there's pumpkin picking, apple cider and Halloween to look forward to, otherwise I just couldn't bear it.

Polar pleasure

I watched a polar bear swimming yesterday during a trip to the Oregon Zoo. Absolutely massive--he pushed off one end of the pool and paddled to the other side, then pushed off like a Olympic backstroker, belly up, back to where he started. Back and forth he swam. From the other side of a wall of glass, I could see his powerful body move underwater. His white fur moved like waves of grain in the water. Giant air bubbles danced in his wake. He pushed off the glass with his enormous black paws and turned his snout to the sky, making it easy to see his long, yellowing incisors. God, he was beautiful.

Generations

There's a certain face that D. makes, where I can see my dad in him. It's usually when I'm pushing him in the stroller, and he gets really intense. His lips purse and his eyes go wide. I was surprised the first time I noticed it. I shouldn't have been though. I think D. looks a lot like my brother, and my brother looks a lot like my dad, so sure...it makes sense. I guess it wasn't something I wanted to see though.

I haven't spoken to my dad in more than ten years. In that time, I've only written him twice. The first time was to tell him I got married. He sent me a $150 check as a wedding present, and I shredded it. I didn't want his money in lieu of a relationship, and I didn't want him to think I was just writing him to get money either. More recently, I wrote to let him know he had a grandson.

This estrangement began after many years of my reaching out, having some sort of unfulfilling interaction with him where I came away feeling rejected and hurt. Now, as an adult, I can see he probably didn't mean any of it. He is a poor communicator, he's emotionally unavailable, but not a bad person. He had extraordinarily bad judgment when he got married without telling me, when he moved to Chicago without letting me know. The former probably happened because he didn't know how to tell me that he had a new wife. He felt he was sparing my feelings by not telling me. The latter? I have no idea. Maybe he justified it by telling himself he was busy, he'd get around to writing me, or perhaps he thought I didn't really care anyway. But as a newly independent 20-something, after many years of this tense dance, I told myself I couldn't take the rejection anymore, and I cut all ties.

Of course, I've wondered every now and then if I did the right thing. It's helped me heal a bit, but I always imagine my dad getting old and dying, this rift still between us. I don't want that. But I also don't want to start the old cycle of reaching out, feeling hurt, reaching out again. What I want is for him to reach out to me this time. But I don't know if that will ever happen.

And now I have this new little person in my life. He's a physical reminder of my dad. And a I can't help but think, in some superstitious way, that the resemblance is for a reason. Is the universe telling me I can't just turn away?

What I am is what I am

D. is blissfully asleep for the first time today--well, sort of if you don't count his passing out in the stroller during our morning walk. He's snuggled into the inside of my Boppy pillow on the couch next to me. It's not standard napping procedure, but I'll take it. And I feel like I don't have much to write, but still, I want to claim this time as my own and put some words on the page...any words will do!

I was telling T. last night that being a mom is one big mindfuck. You spend a lot of time craving the company of adults, wishing you could just have an hour of your old, unencumbered life back, and then when you do get a break all you want to do is go spend time with your kid. "Huh," he said, "I don't feel that way at all." I don't know whether he's lucky or I am.

I'm recovering from a weekend with a house guest. A old friend came all the way from New York to visit, and by the time she left I was totally drained for trying to balance everyone's needs, including my own need to be a good mom/host/friend/etc. Maybe that's it. I just have to give up the idea of being a good anything, and just be what I am.

Outside world

D. is getting interested in the outside world. Favorite things so far: windows, mirrors, faces and voices. AND the four paintings I created for him, which now hang above his changing table. He is most enamored of Cosmic Dog and Cat, and Space Bee.

Are you in there, god?

Just a few thoughts to post in a moment in between ...

Watching D's face is fascinating. I never get tired of it, even when he's cranky and showing all his gums in a wide-mouthed cry. It's like his face has all the pre-sets for emotions, even though he doesn't really know what those emotions are yet. His expressions cycle through happy, perplexed, disgusted, one after the other. I can't wait until he genuinely is smiling back at me.

And though I've never been a religious person (except when I was 12 and scared of Satan and ghosts, and so slept with a crucifix under my pillow), there are moments with D. that convince me god is really is some old guy sitting up on a cloud watching all us silly people. Like when I was rushing to get out of the house to run some errands the other day. D was full of breastmilk, and each time I tried to buckle him into his carseat, the pressure on his tummy made him projectile vomit all over himself. After two clothing changes, I decided I just needed to wait a few minutes. If god really is an old dude on a cloud, he really thinks projectile vomit stunts are hilarious.

Sleep or write?

I'm having a little trouble managing my time these days. Out of every three hours, approximately one of them is devoted to nursing, supplemental feeding and using the breast pump to prepare for the next feeding. I spend a large part of my day with my boobs hanging out. (If there were ever a time to get comfortable with my body, this is it!) But that means I have to decide what to do with the rest. Lots of times it's eat, shower, change D's diapers, soothe him, talk to him, etc. But at least once a day, gloriously, he slips off into a two hour nap, and I am faced with the dilemma: sleep or write?

The logical person in me screams, "Sleep! You idiot!" But I've got stuff buzzing through my head, and it wants to come out. I also crave gardening--what there is of it this year. I just want to get outside with my watering can and tend to my pathetic little basil shoots.

It's the same thing in the evenings. D gets really sleepy around 10 pm (for now, at least) and it provides T. and I a chance to watch a movie and have some 1:1 time, but I know that the darkest hours are just around the corner, and I'm going to be awake for some of them.

Someone stole my legs

The exhaustion set in yesterday. Funny, because just the day before, T. and I had managed to get out for a walk and lunch at a local cafe, and we sat there gloating about how we didn't think this was all that bad. Tiring, sure. But we could deal. But yesterday, I woke up feeling like a truck had hit me. Sore from my shoulders to my toes.

And someone stole my legs. They took my nice legs and slender feet (one part of my body I've never had an issue with) and have given me the legs of Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movies.

Good thing this baby is just so damn beautiful. I can't keep my eyes off him. He does what I call "bird faces," where he will look up at me with his beautiful blue eyes and make little hooting lip gestures. Before he was born, I imagined all sorts of things about the way things would be. I could imagine the tiredness, the sore boobs, all that. And I knew I would love him, but I knew it in this intellectual sort of way. I just couldn't imagine how it would feel. He's a mere a week old, and I feel like I want time to stop for a bit so I can make sure I get my fill of bird faces and soft baby skin. I am absolutely weepy with love and the need to make every moment count.

He was born on July 2, more than two weeks late. I'll save his dramatic birth story for another post. But that means he's having his first week birthday today!

I've been reading Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions, mostly while pumping breastmilk. I do this every three hours or so, so that's a lot of reading time. Thank god for her book, because pumping sucks, and her book is so funny and she writes about everything I am dealing with right now, that I can actually make it a whole 15 minutes without tearing my hair out. I personally credit Ms. Lamott for my ability to pump enough so that I don't have to resort to formula.

But as I'm reading, I'm thinking that even though I have some higher aspirations for this blog (I dunno why) I should do what she's done, and use it to document this time. So I'm gonna. Sorry to those who want to read about something other than baby. But that's what's goin' on around here. As T. says, "All we hear is radio ga-ga."

So here's a funny picture for you. This was maybe our first night home from the hospital, and I'd asked T. to pick up one bottle of IPA on his trip to the store. I was so pleased with the idea of an hour or two in my own bed, with a bottle of long-dreamed about beer, that I completly forgot I was already completely high on pain killers. A sip or two later and the realization kicked in. T. finished the beer. Sigh.

All is not quiet on the Tchotchka front

It’s been quiet here at Tchotchka Palace, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been busy. There’s been behind the scenes action. Here’s just a little update on what’s been filling my time.

Drawing. That’s right. I’ve always enjoyed doing little cartoons and doodles, mostly for handmade birthday cards. A few years ago, when I was working for a big four accounting firm, I attempted a series of Dilbert-eqsue comics called “Adventures of a Pinhead.” (No one saw them except T., but I thought they were damn funny.) Now I’m revisiting the art form, turning my “Thoughts on Candy” into a graphic story. Hell, it’s a lot of work! Every frame takes several sketches before I can get it right. I’m through the first three or four paragraphs so far, and that’s just a first draft of what I imagine the final story will look like. I anticipate re-drawing them all over again. But it’s pretty satisfying, because I can do all these little asides, and draw funny things that would be overkill in typical written form. Maybe I’ll post a few frames up here for your reading pleasure.

Commercial writing. I’ve started writing for a new online magazine called INUR (pronounced “in-yer”) aimed at urban-dwelling folks who are interested in living the good life in a sustainable way. The subject of my first article? Organic personal lubricants. Yep. That’s right. My good friend C. is the editor of the INUR Pants (sex and relationships) section, and I just couldn’t turn her down when she asked me to write an article on that subject. That’s the good thing about being a writer…I can get interested in writing about almost anything. Accounting, for example. Anyway…look for my article in the first issue, due to launch sometime in June.

Gestating. No big surprise for most readers of this blog. Remember this entry? It was like foreshadowing from my subconscious. I found out I was pregnant shortly after I wrote it. So far, I’ve continued to make art, which makes me feel good. Mommy brain hasn’t completely taken over! (Though those early morning weekend writing sessions have gone by the wayside lately. Too tired!) One resolution I’ve made to myself, is that my kid is going to grow up seeing me writing.

Chicken

Popeye's Chicken sits at the corner of MLK and Ainsworth, and I always hit a red light there. For a full minute and ten seconds, I am bathed in the odor of chicken fat and breading. It hunches down in my nostrils and pushes its way down my throat. I try to see in through the glare on the windows, but I can't tell if anyone is actually eating in there.

I really want to like the smell of fried chicken. The crunchy outside, the juicy meat inside. The memories it dredges up. It was the only thing I'd order in restaurants until the age of seven, and especially good at the Tin Cup, a restaurant made to look like an old West saloon complete with wide, creaky floorboards and a circular staircase with a chain link railing. They called it the Tin Cup because you could order sarsaparilla in a take-home, souvenir tin cup, which I only got to do once, but I got to order the chicken and mashed potatoes lots of times.

I liked fried chicken so much that I even ate the Hungry Man T.V. dinner version, with their dried out corn niblets, pasty potatoes, burned brownie and stringy chicken. Because really, it hardly matters that there's chicken under that crunchy breading. That's what I was really after: salty bread crumbs infused with chicken fat. I haven't eaten meat in more than ten years, but every KFC commercial has me leaning forward, wondering whether I'd ever break my meat celibacy to experience that crunch again.

In fact, I've often thought that if I were on death row, and it was my last night on earth, I'd ask for fried chicken as my last meal. And then I think, "Well, if that's true, then why aren't I eating it now? Is this living then?" After all, I'm not on death row and I can have anything I want. I could even buy organic, vegetarian-fed, free-range chickens so I can feel good about eating them.

But what is this fantasy about eating chicken, especially since the smell of Popeye's chicken makes me queasy, makes me want to run the red light and make a left turn into oncoming traffic, just to get away from its oily haze? Maybe it's just a fantasy about breaking boundaries. Exploring the taboo. Maybe I wouldn't even like the taste, and then where would I be? I'd have to choose another death-row last meal. Organic beets and goat cheese? Caprese sandwiches on fresh baguette? I just don't know how that'd fly in prison.

Ocean poems

I.
I'm terrified by the sound of the waves.
They won't stop.
Inhuman roar, overwhelming boom.
No fear, no desire--nothing.
They just keep coming without a reason.

That's the way I feel about you.
You simply are, for the moment.
Rolling over inside me,
making my blood surge.
An unknowable force.
And I'm going under.

II.
My shoe is a sieve--
a fine mesh that filers sand through
to collect in the space under my toes.
"I should pan for gold in these,"
I joke to myself, imagining treasure
at the bottom of my sneaker.

The ocean's not a graveyard, but a storehouse.
It catalogs and re-displays
glass floats from Japan,
seaweed exquisite enough to be worn as jewelry.
Beachcombers unearthed--unoceaned
two civil war canons, crusted
with a hundred years of underwater history.

In the crash of the waves we find answers too.
Some--the ones who aren't ready--keep their
eyes on land, distracted by the pebbles and shells.
But some look out to the place where water meets air,
and there's nothing there to distract from the truth.

Thoughts about candy

My grandma always had a dish of them—spherical gems wrapped in sparkly cellophane. I wanted them all, but I didn’t want to appear greedy, so I’d choose just one, red or white, never green or yellow, twist off the squeaky wrapper and pop it into my mouth. They were smooth on my tongue and rattled around against my teeth. That’s the thing about candy—it’s not just a taste, it’s an activity. I would hold those candies on my tongue, flip them around as if each turn might somehow yield more sugar. Candy brightens moments of children’s boredom and soothes the tension of the smoker who just quit cold turkey.

Always performing the “good child,” that dish of candy was a challenge for me. We never had candy at home. And so during the weeks I’d spend with Grandma, I’d constantly have that dish in the corner of my eye. I’d be thinking about when I could next sneak one without anyone noticing.

It’s like candy and old women go together. When I was four maybe, I was always climbing up the narrow concrete steps to Florence’s back door. She always had strips of candy buttons on hand, which is probably the cheapest candy ever invented. Pastel blobs of sugar dropped onto cheap paper that always remains just a little bit when you rip the candy off of it. In my four year old bravado, I had no shame knocking on her door and without preamble, asking, “Can I have some candy?”

When I was older, I’d ride my bike to Convenient after every dime I’d pocketed, where I would get Alexander the Grapes, Lemonheads, Boston Baked Beans, or, my favorite—Now & Laters. Ten individually wrapped squares of chewy tart waxy candy. Chocolate was too expensive. Even a plain Hershey bar was out of my price range.

But there were those kids who had enough money to buy Nerds. They would show them off and hide them at the same time, like a status symbol, the same way a fifty five year old man might wax his Porsche all day in the driveway, only to pull it into the garage without driving it anywhere. But for sure the Nerds would come out when they needed leverage: “I’ll give you some of my Nerds of you let me be on your team, but only the pink kind, okay?” I never had Nerds. Must be why I’m not so great at negotiation. I bet all the kids with Nerds are now wheeling heads of cattle, or they’re hedge fund managers or con-artists. Or real estate agents. Candy makes other people pay attention to us. Before we have beauty, strength, wealth, we have candy.

The first story I ever wrote was about candy. It began at a carnival, and as I entered the fun house, I fell through a trap door an spilled into a world entirely made from candy. The houses, roads. The chocolate river. This world was controlled by an evil witch who kidnapped little children and kept them there, haunted by all the sweets, but not allowed to eat them.

It was a Hansel and Gretel, meets Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz, meets Alice in Wonderland daydream, and so revealing that I’d let myself be dazzled by the candy but not eat it. In the end, I escaped this candy land, but what I should have written—what I really wanted was to live in that world without the witch, not escape from it to a less sweet world with equally restrictive parent. Maybe that’s what candy is … the anti-parent.

Candy is a lesson is self versus others. It’s public and private. It’s who you are when you’re alone and who you are in a crowd. Do you eat the whole bag of M&Ms or save half for later? Do you wish your friend would get her own, because you feel obligated to share otherwise? Candy forces us to reveal our inner workings to the world.

I’m a hoarder, I’ll admit it. Here’s one of my earliest memories to prove it. My friend Amy has two rolls of Sweet Tarts, and there are three of us: me, her and Melissa, her neighbor that always seems to have green boogers running out of her nose. Amy takes a whole roll for herself, and tells Melissa and me we have to share. I’m outraged. I declare that I’d rather go home than share, and I do. In fact, I stop being friends with Amy altogether over the Sweet Tart incident.

I still get worked up over candy and sweets. I hate it when Tony scarfs all the ice cream before I get any. Once, he proposed taking my newly purchased Girl Scout Cookies to share with friends. I looked him straight in the eye and growled, “These boxes aren’t even open yet! There’s no way in hell you’re taking my cookies!”

At six months pregnant, I can only imagine what it’s going to be like when my child discovers sweets. A battle of wills. An 18 year long game of subterfuge. My friend Gwen told me a story about her mother—how she would hide Almond Roca in her sewing kit and jewelry box, but Gwen and her brothers would always sniff it out and steal it. The disappointment her mother must have felt at opening her drawer and then finding her treasure gone. I imagine myself the same way, hiding M&Ms in the glove box, opening it up in a sacred moment of solitude. I’m anticipating eating the whole package, savoring each round chocolate one by one. But they’re gone.

Gwen’s mom might have smiled to herself, felt resigned to the fact that as a mother, nothing is truly her own. She’d see it as a illustration of the self-sacrifice of parenthood and feel good about that. But me? Is that what I’ll do? Or will I slam the car door and storm into the house stark raving mad demanding to know who ate my candy?

At a Las Vegas gun store

What would it be like to work at the gun store, where tourists, in their khaki shorts, fanny packs and big white sneakers arrive to try out the weapons? The wives stand silently aside, while their husbands ask questions about ammo, load time, never safety.

Anna, who is an army brat, and grew up hunting every fall with her father, works there. She sees the men come through the door and look surprised to see her behind the counter. If one of the male associates is there--even Nate, the gun store owner's pimply son, who doesn't know squat about how to handle a weapon--they will head straight to him.

The coupon idea was hers. She made a deal with the owner: she'd finance the ad, and anyone coming in with that coupon was her customer. The first few weeks they trickled in, one or two over the course of a few days. But then it was one or two a day. They came in for all sorts of reasons--some just because they'd never squeezed off a round on a full automatic before and were looking to add it to their list of Las Vegas thrills, some serious gun buyers, some who didn't even care about the guns, but just couldn't resist a coupon for anything.

She started to find her niche. She was good with the couples. Anna would engage the timid wives, get them to put on the goggles and fire off a few rounds in the back. She'd see the fire come into their eyes, the adrenaline surge, watch their husbands get turned on--sometimes embarrassingly so. She knew if that happened, she's have a sure-fire sale.

Just by watching out for the couples, she increased the gun store's sales by eight percent over the last three months and her own commission had gone through the roof. All the sales men--even the guys who'd mocked Anna for her gimmick--were now trying to get the owner to let them do their own coupon too, thinking it was a magic trick. But only she got it. It was looking out for that special American combination of sex and violence that was bringing in the cash.

In memoriam

It's 8:34 AM on Monday, February 4. As I type this, Domi lays about five feet behind me. He's finally settled down, which takes him some time because his back end is so sore, and he's licking his right paw, probably as a self-soothing gesture.

In about three hours, our vet will arrive at the house, and she'll administer a drug to Domi that will put him to sleep forever.

We finally made the decision to put Domi down last week, but I was traveling, so we waited until I got home to do it. I wanted to be here for him and for T, who has been a nervous wreck all weekend. Well, we both have. I've waxed and waned between feeding Domi treats and bursting into tears. I don't know what good I'll be when the vet arrives. A big blubbery mess. But it's the right thing to do. Domi's been a big part of my life too.

Lately, I've taken to complaining about his stench and incontinence. I've been thinking about that this weekend. We haven't had the real Domi in our lives for a few years--the bubble loving, radish stealing Domi. We've had some other dog, and we've grown resentful of him. And it's a shame to feel that resentment at the end of his life. It was a shame to not be able to take him for a walk yesterday or do any of the things he used to love. On the last full day of his life, most of what we could do was wait for today. When my other animals get to this point, when my parents get to this point, when I get to this point--I don't want to turn to complaint and resentment. I want the joy remain more than just a hazy memory.

So Mr. Doms, who used to do 180 degree jumps in anticipation of a walk, who once stole a bagel with cream cheese right off my lap, who would chase soap bubbles around the yard endlessly, who forced me to be creative with my garden fencing techniques if I ever wanted a carrot, radish or green bean for myself, who bravely weathered the attacks of an insane german shepherd named Laika, who ferociously ate Domi-sized pancakes, who hoovered up clumps of freshly mown grass in the springtime, who made lots of Doms-sized friends at the dog park ... we love you.

Feeling better

Bela steals the bone from her doggie Get Well Soon bouquet.

Stupid people, cars and dogs

Last night, a stupid person came to my house, opened the back door and let Bela out onto the driveway to do the meet-and-greet with his dog. Bela was more interested in running out into the middle of the street apparently, and was struck by a car. I heard it--the whack, the cry, and ran out screaming to see her lying in the middle of the street. The car did not stop.

T. and I rushed her to the animal hospital. I sat in the back of the car trying to keep her calm and quiet, though I was probably doing a pretty bad job of it. Thick drops of blood were falling from her head onto my hands, clothes and the floor of the car, and her eye looked bloody and swollen. It was dark and hard to tell where the blood was coming from.

After several hours at the hospital, we learned Bela had a puncture wound under her jaw, and swelling that had caused her third eyelid to pop up over her eye. Preliminary X-rays showed no broken bones or fractures, but they wanted to keep her overnight. We left, hopeful that we could bring her home in the morning.

As of just a few minutes ago, she's eating and walking. But the hospital is keeping her a bit longer. She might come home this afternoon.

I've never wanted to hurt someone so badly as I wanted to hurt stupid person last night. I can picture myself hitting him, screaming at him. To make matters worse for himelf, we asked him to stay until we returned home, but when we got here, he was gone and our doors were unlocked.

But more importantly . . . I almost lost my best buddy last night. I'm thankful that she's still here and that perhaps after a few quiet days of healing, she'll be back to her old, silly self.

Me? I don't know if I'll ever go back to my old self.

An everyday moment of joy

Know what this is? It's the best kitchen appliance ever. So much better than a microwave or perhaps even a dishwasher. It's an egg and muffin maker. See the steam? It's steaming an egg and a veggie sausage at the same time it is toasting an english muffin

















And it makes these in about 5 minutes time:

It's the little things that make life good.

Convenient New Year's resolutions

Why make resolutions that you can't keep? This year, I'm making ones that are easy to achieve.

1. Write more letters and keep in better touch with friends. I'm terrible about this. I let e-mails sit in my inbox, unanswered, for months. I guess with the amount of e-mail I have to deal with at work, I'm on e-mail overload most of the time. I do like writing letters though. Real letters on nice paper that you place into an envelope. And S. and J. have so thoughtfully set me up to be successful with a membership to and stationary from the Letter Writers Alliance.

(Note: I've said nothing about answering my cell phone.)

2. I'm going to keep better track of snail-mail addresses. Each holiday season I frustrate myself because half my addresses are in my yahoo address book, the other are on envelopes and scraps of paper in various drawers. Most of them are out of date. This year, I sent three bottles of wine to my brother's old address. I spent days harassing the UPS and Wine.com people, then calling my bro to ask if he'd received the wine yet. Never again. I've already purchased a new address book. My brother's correct address is already in there!

3. Another convenient resolution: I'm going to the art museum more often. T. and I got memberships as a gift this year. I love gifts like that! There's a great Chuck Close exhibit there that's about to close. I've already seen it, but T. hasn't. It's worth seeing again.

4. Less convenient, but still not too hard: I'm going to the damn Portland International Film Festival this year! Every year, I hear about it after it's started, and half the films I want to see have already run. I vow to get the flyer that lists all the films, sit down with a big mug of tea, and make a plan for the ones I want to see.

So what are your resolutions?

Random tchotchka

It is a good thing "tchotchka" is in the title of this blog, otherwise, I would forget how to spell it every time I wanted to post a random smattering of updates.

1. I don't believe in apologizing for not posting to the blog, or making excuses either. It's kind of like when you were 14 and didn't write in your diary for a long time, and then the next time you sat down to write you started out, "Dear Diary, I am so so so so sorry for not writing in you for so long." I mean, who cares?

But I have been thinking again about the blog, and what I'm doing it for. Then, a few weeks ago, my daily horoscope (which you know is a valid source of information on which very important decisions can be based) said this:

December 20, 2007
Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
If you find yourself bored today, it is a sign that you need to make a few changes in your life. These could be simple changes in your routine, but it is probably more effective to make some complex changes in one of your closest relationships. Some strange cross-communication has been going on, and it might be time for you and this person to figure out what exactly you are doing in each other's lives. Do you two really have enough in common to continue? All relationships don't last forever.

And I thought, "Yes, I am bored." But not with the people in my life, with my writing, and with this blog. Our relationship is strained, I have to admit. It was going so swimmingly too. Maybe it's just that we needed a break, or maybe it's that we need to make some real changes. Or maybe I just need to do what I always tell other writers, and just force myself to sit down with a notebook and a pen in my hand and just write. I don't know. But I need to get my writing mojo or juju or whatever it is back.

2. My dog smells. He's 16 years old, and suffering from a panoply of old-age illnesses including senility, arthritis, hair loss, incontinence, general crotchetiness and advanced dental decay. His mouth has always been a cesspool, given that he has a thing for eating excrement, but now it has bloomed into a full-blown sewer. You know in cartoons, how they draw someone with bad breath? There's this slow-moving brownish stream of nasty eggshells, bubbly goo and fish bones floating in the air over the person's head? That's exactly what it's like. I can smell him from across the room. I'll just be sitting there and suddenly get a waft of it, and I'll think "Oh no, he's close." And yep...he's just entered the room. And so, I hate to admit it, but he's been getting the treatment that so many elderly people get: I'm ignoring him as much as possible.

3. I've been asked to write an article for a new e-zine that celebrates urban living. The topic? Organic personal lubricants. The weird thing is that one of the first people T. and I met when we moved here is the owner of a personal lubricant company. I don't think his stuff is organic, but it's made with natural ingredients, so I'm hoping he might be up for an interview. He used to tell all sorts of stories about the weird things people would call in to the customer service line about, like "My [body part] turned green, what should I do?" And he's like, "Umm, that's not the lube dude, sorry." That could be kind of fascinating. And then I'm recruiting a few friends to do "reviews." I keep feeling like I should feel weirder about writing about lube, but I don't. I do, however, feel weird that Benazir Bhutto was assassinated this past week. I guess that just means I'm grown up.

The word for Portland

In Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love, she writes that every city has a word that perfectly describes it. For Rome, she says, it's "sex." Here's my thoughts on what Portland's word might be.

The word for Portland is ... something that glows emerald green and is moist, like an amphibian. Cool to the touch. An enveloping mist of clear water and plant breath.

The sound of the tires on the pavement in the rain sound like the exhaling and inhaling of the city. The roar of respiration. An expanding pink lung.

Portland is calm and practical. Not easily ruffled. A place where people sing along to the radio to pass the time in a traffic jam rather than lay on the horns, raise the blood pressure. They catch up on OPB. April Behr purrs the weather forecast. She says, "Blue Mountains," "Cascades," "the Valley."

She calls this "the Valley!" Like the original California one, but so unlike it because this Valley winks and nods half-asleep while its southern cousin takes Vivarin to stay up all night. This Valley layers in blankets of forest and fern, while the other throws off the cover to lay naked under the stars.

Is the word "dreamy"? Or is the word "sleepwalk"? Are we really here? Or are we somewhere else wishing we were here? Are we sitting next to a fat man yammering into his Bluetooth headset, dreaming we are walking in the rain instead? Dreaming we are tossing off our wet clothes before a roaring fire? Dreaming we are sipping hot coffee with cream? We'll never know. Our dreams are constantly invaded, but we persist in dreaming on.

Maybe the word is "soft." Like the petals of the ubiquitous rose bush that erupts from the most wretched earth to twine around telephone poles. Or soft like the sun's summer rays--never overbearing--just a pale yellow glow of buttery heat. Or soft like a dog's coat--for all those canines who wait patiently outside cafes and pubs. They rise, stretch and settle in again, tucking their tender paws under to protect them from the chill.

Of maybe it is "dark," like the rain clouds that hover over the city. Like the strong earthy smell of coffee. Like the magical bitterness of beer. We rise in the dark and return to sleep in the dark--our skins Golem-like, pale mushroom epidermis.

I wouldn't dare say "cool" is the word. For all the temperature-associated meanings feel right, but all the style and social connotations are wrong. This city is not cool. This city understands the irony in proclaiming itself cool, it automatically becomes uncool.

And with the word "irony," maybe we get closer. Or "Unexpected." Or "hidden." A little treasure buried deep, locked with a magical password. Only the gifted and true can see what's inside. Though many think they know, what they see is merely a mirage.

California prayer

The American dream . . .
Freedom, opportunity, vision.
Not what Californians bargained for
as they drove their SUVs
with the yellow ribbon magnets.

Support our troops.
Let Freedom reign.

Their homes scorched to the earth,
piles of smouldering ashes and charred brick.
They have all the freedom in the world.
Nothing holds them back. Their destiny:
to be a phoenix rising from the flames.

The sun touched the earth
and let them go, and like an infant
just emerged from the womb
they long to crawl back to their confinement.

Fire is the forceps of the gods
pulling us out of the darkness into the light.
Burning through our thick skins,
our carefully formed masks,
stripping us to our bones.

We are left simple.
Elemental.

Coal black, tiny ember, a spark deep inside.
Our voices are winds that wail,
Who? Who? I am. I am.

This is my prayer for the people of California,
who today stand there wiping the ash
from their skin, who hold a cloth over their face.
Breath deeply,
fan the fire,
let it consume you.
Let freedom reign.

Octoberfest

It's soggy and raining today, but a few weeks ago, I took out the camera to record some of the last garden treats of the season. I'm in love with the moody blues and greens from the hops cones on the drying rack.

Are you feeling sllleeeepppy? Yawn.

Babypalooza

It's babypalooza around here. Everyone I know is either knocked up or trying to get knocked up. So here begins the knitting of cute little dudes.

I'm thinking his name is Henry, unless you have other suggestions.

One step forward

I had a bad feedback session this week. I've been trying out a new writer's group, in addition to the one I've had going for about the last year. I get great input from the existing group. They are very perceptive, and very constructive. I always walk away with an idea of how to revise, plus they help me see neat things in my writing that I didn't even know were there. Bonus! They keep me going.

But this new group, I just don't know. I love one of the members. His writing is gorgeous, and he's interested in sharing process too. I suppose working with him is what attracted me. But the other person ... you know when get together with a bunch of new people, and there's that one person in the group that bugs the hell out of you? She's that person. Everything about her seems wrong to me. She likes to sigh and complain about how she's too busy to write. I've noticed that she's more interested in explaining her intentions for writing, than discussing the writing itself. But whatever--I thought maybe I could get past that, and maybe she'd have something valuable to add to my work. I should have trusted my gut.

Good member had something pop up, so he couldn't make it to this week's meeting. Bad member arrived 1/2 hour late. I'd sent out my pieces a few days beforehand, to give them time to do a closer reading. She forgot my pieces at home, but she said, "I read them two or three times, and marked them up and edited them."

Flag #1. She edited them????
When I emailed the pieces, I mentioned that they were character studies, and a way of experimenting and getting to know my characters better. I didn't know whether what I'd written would eventually make it into my book, but that really didn't matter. I just wanted to know what their impression was of the characters. Who are these people? What intrigues you about them? What questions are you left with?

Key words here: "studies" and "experimenting." She edited my experiments? Umm. Okay. Maybe I don't know what she means by "editing," but if we use the same definition, that's not what I needed at this stage. I was looking for some big picture constructive criticism.

Flag #2. "I don't know anything about these characters. You have a lot more work to do."
She says this before I even begin to read. Really? Nothing?

"Okay," I say. "What's missing for you? What did you learn, and what do you wonder about?"

"I don't know what's missing," she says. "I don't really know how writers create characters. I'd have to compare it to some author that's really good at doing that." Great. That kind of feedback is really going to help.

She suggests that I give the piece an omniscient narrator, so we know what each girl is thinking. "But this is a memoir," I say. She acts like it's the first time she's heard me say that.

Flag# 3. "Annie's totally average."
She says this in response to a description of Annie's room, where there's makeup lying around everywhere. "Every girl has lots of makeup." I'm thinking, I was lucky to have a Chapstick when I was growing up, as she's telling me this.

Flag# 4. "'Barfly' is a term only used for women."
Ummm. No. Ever heard of Charles Bukowski?

Flag# 5. "Why did you write these?"
She asks me, toward the end of our meeting. I thought I told you, I thought, then proceeded to explain that as I move forward, it's important for me to understand how Annie's background influences her response in a situation. Same with the other characters. Maybe she could read the frustration on my face. I wondered if she had even read my email. Had she read my pieces at all? She didn't comment on any of the stuff that I didn't read out loud (I only read a selection in the interest of time).

So, what did I walk away with? I already knew I needed to do more. I guess I need to make Annie so outlandishly spoiled, that even spoiled girls will pick up on her spoiled-ness.

As a writer, you learn to take the feedback that helps you, and leave the feedback that doesn't. Sometimes, you have to be open to feedback that is hard to hear. But you need to hear it from someone you trust and respect. And when you're giving feedback, it's important to listen to what the writer asks for, and to point out what's working, as well as where there's more work needed. You're there to help the writer take one step forward. Just one step.

I think I need a therapist

I'm developing an interesting perspective on my narrator, who just happens to the be the 12 year old me. The more I think of her as a character, the more cynical I feel about her. When I started writing, I felt like she was more tragic and a little heroic ... the way lots of teenage girls are. Being a teenager is brutal, you know? But these character studies have turned her into someone I don't quite like.

1. She's obsessed with food.
2. She's passive-aggressive.
3. She uses the misery of others to her advantage.
4. She's a perfectionist.
5. She's secretive.
6. She's afraid of everyone.

Oh, cruel, cruel mirror!

I think I need to write some moments when she comes out looking good! Some happy fun moments. Some instance of truth and beauty. Why would anyone want to read about a character like her? I also have to write some scenes where she doesn't just sit back, observe and react, but where she tries to advance an agenda. She needs to get active.

I've heard songwriters say they have trouble writing happy songs, because they come out sounding cheezy. I totally identify with that. Okay...next post: a happy scene!

Vacation tchotchka

I'm on vacation this week. Yaaaaay! I told my mom I had the week off, and she was like, "Oh. If I had known I would have come out to see you." I KNEW she was going to say that. I think she said the same thing last year when I took a week off in the fall. Also, the topic of blogs came up, and she asked me if I had a blog. I can never lie. I'm really bad at lying, even over the phone, so I said "Yes. But I'm not telling you where it is." I just don't know how she'd feel about reading some of this stuff--especially the autobiographical stuff that involves memories of her. And I don't want to censor myself because I know she might be reading what I write.

I started off my vacation by taking an awesome weekend workshop with the playwright, Will Dunne.

I wasn't sure how writing plays would translate to writing memoir, or even fiction, but Will led us through a number of exercises that I think would be helpful for anyone who's doing creative writing--even if you're writing non-fiction. We read for drama, no matter what the genre. We mostly worked on character--determining motivations, strategies for dealing with events that come at them--and letting the characters tell you what they want to do. I worked through Annie's character in one exercise, and found it very powerful. She has a lot of baggage that makes her act the way she does. I knew that, but somehow the act of writing it all down made it all much more important to the story. Before, it was all just in my head.

So now that the weekend is over, I'm trying to do the same thing for the other girls in the River piece, and I'm using this work to create some background chapters. I don't know if I'll eventually include this in the final piece (or even the first draft), but I may use parts of it. And I'm hoping that this work I'm doing will help me write more authentic, richer characters overall.

The hardest thing has been imagining myself as a character, since this is an autobiographical piece. Putting myself through those character exercises, I had to ask, what were my motivations? My strategies? What were my fears, loves? What was I angry about? We go through life rationalizing the hurtful things that happen to us--we come out of it thinking "it was them, not me." Treating myself as a character, I had to examine the good and the bad. Maybe it will help my narrator (me) be a more well-rounded character too. But ouch.

Anyway, so I'm planning to do lots more writing this week. And shop for a new car too. My old Subaru is in the shop for the second head gasket replacement in two years. I think it's about time to trade the bugger in. Good thing I decided to stay home instead of taking a road trip!

Glowy man

We were out on Annie’s lawn just as the sun was setting. Her house was behind us, its warm lamplight spilling out onto the grass, but our eyes were turned toward the dark. We sat on the crest of a slight hill that rolled down toward the line of trees separating the house from the train tracks below. It was just an inky curtain to our eyes, this place where the lawn met the woods, and we projected what we wanted onto it.

“Did you see that?” I said, and my three friends strained their eyes to see.

“What?” they said in unison.

I didn’t know if what I was seeing was real or not, but there against the shadowy wall of trees was a figure.

“There. Over there,” I pointed. “Right at the edge of the trees.” No moon, no streetlights. We all peered into the darkness where the faint trace of a man glowed as softly as if he’d been dusted in chalk.

“It’s like, a man. A glowy man,” I whispered.

“Shut up!” Sara laughed and thwaped me on the shoulder.

We’d spent the whole day together—the four of us. It was the kind of day I long for now. No obligations, no plans, there was time to be bored. Before I’d even roll out of bed I would dial the pink plastic phone that sat on my nightstand and call all three of them. “Hey, what are we doing today?”

Annie’s mom had driven us to the mall and we’d spent the afternoon walking laps from the food court down to Sears. We blew through the Limited, the Gap, Claire’s, all our favorite stores in the first hours. There were others like Rave or Lerner that we’d never go into. Those stores were for girls from towns like Cheektowaga and West Seneca, where they spayed their bangs into huge walls and wore tight, acid washed jeans. The mall was an exercise in us versus them. A handy tool in making comparisons and judgments.

Oddly enough, the boys from those towns were another matter. We’d look for the group of boys that most closely fit our requirements—no feathered hair, no high top sneakers, no heavy metal t-shirts—and start following them. Innocently at first, maybe just looking and giggling at them as we passed them at the other side of the promenade. Then more overly, looping back around as they passed and falling in behind them, with enough distance between us that they were clearly in view but so we could talk without them hearing us. We’d follow them in to the arcade sometimes, and on this particular day, Annie had worked up the courage to ask on of them—the cute one with the OP t-shirt—whether he liked Sara or not. We stood outside in a huddle as Annie went in, and held our breaths until she returned.

“What’d he say?” Laura wanted to know. We all did.

“He wanted to know which one you were,” Annie answered. “So I said you were the one with the super straight brown hair, and then he said, ‘Yeah, I guess I do.’”

So there we were, sprawled on Annie’s lawn, discussing whether the boy really did like Sara, which of the other boys were cute, what we should do if we ever saw them again, making bold promises about getting phone numbers, as the day slowly extinguished itself before us. No moon, no streetlamps, just a halo of light from the village in the distance.

“I think I see him,” Annie said, pointing to the right. “Over there?” I nod my head.

“Oh my god!” Laura whispers”

We all see him. He has the dim phosphorescence of a dying lightning bug. My heart was in my throat.

“Is he real?”

What do you think he’s doing here?”

“Annie, should we call your mom?”

We all speculate round and round but no one moves toward the house.

“It’s the glowy man!” Laura shrieks, and we’re terrified and charged all at once.

“I think I saw it move!”

“Holy shit.”

I couldn't tell, because it was true that the glow had shifted to a new place, but looking at the old place, it was possible that there was still a glow there too, but it was less present, and the new spot was getting brighter.

When I look back on this moment, I know it was our imaginations. Our eyes pulled in the light from around us and cast it onto the dark space, filling with of all things, a man. In my mind, he was 30 years old, wearing a brown suit. He had short, dark hair. How this man got to be there at the edge of the woods, I didn’t know, but it seemed he wanted to watch us.

“It’s getting closer!” We were on our feet—laughing and screaming.

F-ing River

So, at this point I have a notebook full of free writes, about 20 pages of stuff that will eventually become a first draft, and here's the thing. A year or so ago, 20 pages would have felt loooong to me. But now, I look at those 20 pages and think "That's just the beginning! Just drips and drabs. Oh shit. WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?"

One of my writing mentors, after hearing a short section of the River piece this week, said, "Huh. It seems like maybe you have a book." And as soon as she said that, I made this noise:"Awwwwwwwwh." Whump. Yep, maybe. Or maybe just a long story. But it could be a book too.

I'm half freaked out, half loving every minute of writing this piece. Freaked out because I never wanted to write about this, and yet there it is. A story about being 13. A story that everyone's lived, and probably doesn't really want to revisit, so why would they ever want to read it, anyway? But loving it, because every time I sit down to write, it's like walking through the woods, and then I see a landmark...a giant cairn to mark the path and it just feels right. Like happy coincidences, or puzzle pieces that just snap together all of a sudden.

Re-reading Stephen King's The Body was like that. I hadn't read it since that time. I used to own the book, Different Seasons, that it's a part of. But somewhere along the line I gave it away. So I went and bought a new copy at Powell's for $5.50. Brilliant story. Beautifully written. I didn't appreciate it the first time around, and reading it as an adult, it made me hold my breath in places. But as I read, I realized how much that story influenced me. Maybe it's what's made me what I am today...which is the whole friggin point of writing the River story, of course. But what I'm saying is that as I was reading, I was newly aware of how that book has shaped my life. How it's woven itself into the stories I tell myself about my past. How it influenced decisions I made. And it reading it made me feel like, yes, 13 year-old drivel and all, this is the right project to be working on.

Hashing out River drafts

*From Stephen King's novella The Body.

The most important things are the hardest things to say …*

I closed the book and brought its unbound edge to my nose, inhaling its sweet, brown-papery scent. Those words said everything. I ran my thumb up into the center of the book, and opened it again, reading the page for a second time. I traced the rough paperback page with my finger, feeling the words on my mind instead of my skin.

… And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it.*

Mom and my little brother, Stephen were downstairs, a whole universe away. I could hear Stephen laughing along to a sitcom soundtrack—just a squelching blare to my ears. Mom was making dinner. Silverware and dishes clattered, the refrigerator door slammed shut. She’d be calling me to set the table any minute.

I slid off my bed and walked the short distance to the little window at the end of my room and looked out at the street. Empty. It was quiet and dark out there. The streetlight at the corner cast a cone of light down on to the USPS mail box, making it feel like it was the center of the world—a bright blue star, pulling everything into its gravitational field.

I turned from the window and sat down at my small, white desk, pulling open the drawer for a pen and a notebook. I opened to a blank page and quietly tore it from the wire spine, one perforation at a time, then wrote slowly, pressing the pen into the paper to make thick, black letters.

Dear Annie, Laura and Sara,

Goodbye.

* * *

Annie sat on top of mail box and held her arms over her head, fists clenched tight. “Shout! Shout! Let it all out!” she sang loudly.

I sat indian-style in the grass in my front yard, half watching her, half looking around at my neighbor’s houses to see if anyone was looking at us. Blades of grass poked and itched the backs of my legs. I shifted and bent my knees, and then tucked my feet in tight, wrapping my arms around my legs.

“Come on! I’m talking to you! Come on!” she continued.

I knew who she was singing to, and it made me nervous.

This was our corner—it belonged to Annie, Laura, Sara and me. It was the perfect place to spend the long summer days for two reasons. 1. My mom was away at work all day, and 2. Andy Smith lived across the street. We spent hours each day out on my front lawn endlessly chattering, just like the Cicadas that buzzed over our heads. We’d discovered the mailbox to be an unusually comfortable seat, and would take turns vaulting ourselves to sit on top of it, only jumping off when a neighbor came to post a letter, or the mailman arrived. They shook their heads as if to say “shameless,” but we didn’t care. We would head into the house to get iced tea, but carried our glasses outside, clinking full of ice. We didn’t want to miss anything. Because if we waited long enough, we’d hear the rush and clunk of skateboard wheels, an announcement that Andy and his friends were about to pass by.

It was just me and Annie that day.

“Why do you think Laura likes him, anyway?” Annie asked, climbing off the mailbox and throwing herself down into the grass beside me. She swung her long, wavy hair over her face and began examining her fingernails for the best one to chew on.

“Who? Andy?” I said.

“Duh! Of course, Andy.” I could smell the lemony-clean scent of her shampoo as she flipped her hair to the side, something she often did. “He’s like, mean to her,” she continued.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “He’s kinda mean to all of us.” Especially to you Annie, I added in my head.

Annie always got picked on by boys. She had to wear a real woman’s bra with underwire and thick straps even though we were only 13. And though she had pretty chestnut hair, she wore thick glasses that dominated her face and gave her owl eyes. Secretly, I thought of her as the ugliest out of the four of us. But Annie was the one who laughed loudest, and always had the ideas for things to do when we were bored.

“Well, he’s mean in front of his friends,” she said, “But I think he just pretends.”

“Like how?”

“Well, sometimes I see him all alone and he’s really nice to me,” she said.

“Really?”

“Yeah. One time I saw him in the office at school and he said ‘Hi Annie,’ and smiled at me. It was like he liked me or something.”

I wasn’t sure I believed her, but I didn’t say anything. I looked up at the telephone pole and followed the wires down the street with my eyes, avoiding her gaze. Andy liked her? No way. She was making that up.

“Huh. Weird.” I said, not wanting to reveal my suspicions. But maybe she sensed I didn’t believe her, because she changed the subject fast.

“Let’s go to Convenient. I wanna get a Jolt,” she said, and jumped to her feet.

That was another good thing about my house. It was a fifteen-minute walk to Convenient, and on the way there we’d have to pass right by one of Andy’s hang outs. His best friend Joe had built a skate ramp out of two-by-fours and plywood, and there was always a good chance they would have it pulled out into the middle of Crescent Avenue and be doing ollies and other tricks for each other.

They weren’t there that day, but it really didn’t matter. The point really wasn’t about seeing them, it was more the idea of seeing them, the build up that was important. Seeing them meant they might yell out the nickname they’d invented for us, “the Tuna Club.” “Hey, it’s the Tuna Club,” one of them would yell, and we’d walk by. We were ready with a come-back. “Shut up, dickweed!” we’d yell. They were more like our enemies than friends, but they noticed us. Rounding the corner of King and Crescent, our chatter would cease. There was always a pause until we knew whether they were there, or it was just an empty street.

I sat on the big, flat rock outside Convenient waiting for Annie. I didn’t have any money so it did me no good to go in just to inhale the stale sugary scent of wonder bread and oogle the Now-and-Laters. I thought about it, and I didn’t like Andy. Anyway, Laura liked him already. I guess if I liked anyone, Joe was kind of cute and wasn’t as mean as Andy or their other friends. Annie said she didn’t like any of them, she said she hated Andy, even. But she talked about him all the time. When we slept over at her house she wanted to prank call them late at night. I told her to stop it after the first time, because his mom answered, and she knew my mom—I didn’t want to get in trouble. She kept calling anyway, sometimes just hanging up and sometimes yelling silly things into the phone first. I thought maybe she liked all of them. More than anything, she wanted all of them to like her.

Annie swung open the glass door.

“I got Lick-a-Stix instead,” she said. “Want one?”

More on River Phoenix, believe it or not

Some of you know I'm working on a longer piece that's about being 13, and a little about Stand by Me too. This is a part of that. I'll post more of the first draft as it comes into being.

Annie lived on the edge of town at the end of a dead end street. Her house backed up against the woods. It wasn’t a long walk, but there was a giant hill on the way. The kind of hill you look at and think, “That would be great for sledding,” and resent that it was marred by a road.

I was on my way up it on a hot summer morning. I hoped Annie would want to go in her pool. Sometimes she was bored of swimming, so she didn’t want to go. It was a steep, long hill but I kind of liked walking up it. It made me feel strong to get to the top without getting winded.

I didn’t ring the doorbell when I got there. No one would answer it anyway. I knew to open the door and walk down the long hall to Annie’s room. Sara and Liz were already there.

I loved Annie’s room. She had to share it with her sister, but at least her sister was hardly ever there. They had their own bathroom with its own medicine cabinet and inside were tubes of lipstick, perfume bottles, little pots of makeup and pink, red, and purple nail polish. Cotton balls and q-tips were strewn around, along with the dust of blue, pink and purple powder—the eye shadow and blush that floated out of their makeup brushes. The room was its own world. Closed curtains kept the outside away. It was okay to shut the door, okay to play records loud or leave clothes on the floor, or have stacks of Seventeen Magazine on every bedside table. Not like at my house, where I had to pick up my clothes as hang them in the closet at the end of the day. Where I didn’t have my own makeup, but would sometimes pull out the tray of my mother’s makeup and stare at it. Here, there was jewelry—glittery bracelets, necklaces, and rings—scattered everywhere around the bedroom. Getting dusty. Lost. It made me want to clean things up.

Sara was on the bed with a bottle of orange nailpolish in her hands, delicately brushing color on each of her toes. It stood out against her summer tan. She got brown without even trying—something I always envied about her. No matter how long I sat in the sun I’d only burn and peel. The skate femmes called me “Casper,” and I hated it. She smiled at me as I entered the room.

Annie and Liz were in the bathroom. Halves of lemon littered the sink and floor. Annie was bent over and Liz was squeezing lemon juice into her hair.

“Hey!” Liz said when she noticed my reflection in the mirror.

“Hi. What are you guys doing?”

“We’re streaking my hair blond,” Annie said, a little muffled from behind all her hair.

“With lemons?” I asked.

“Yeah! I read about it in Seventeen,” Sara called across the room. It’s supposed to work as good as Sun-In.”

“Can I do it?” I thought it sounded cool.

“There’s only enough lemons for me,” Annie said. “Okay, I think that’s enough. Sara, do I rinse it, or leave it in?”

“I think you’re supposed to leave it in,” Sara answered. Annie grabbed a towel to wrap around her head. She plopped down on the bed next to Sara.

“You’ve got seeds in your hair!” Sara giggled.

“Well, get them out, will you?” Annie said.

“Hey, what do you want to do with all these lemons, Annie?” Liz said.

“Oh, I don’t know. Just leave them there, I guess. Our housekeeper comes today.”

“Do you guys feel like swimming?” I asked, hoping that Sara and Liz would say yes, and then Annie would have to agree.

“I can’t.” Annie didn’t even let them answer.

“We can wait until your hair dries,” I tried.

“No … it’s not about my hair.”

“Oh … Aunt Flo’s visiting?” Liz snickered. She was still waiting to get her period and so she thought it was funny whenever any of us got ours.

“It’s not that either,” Annie snapped. She took the towel off her head and threw it across the room. “I’ll show you. Here.”

Annie rolled up the sleeve of her shirt. The letters B-r-e-t-t were carved into the skin on her forearm. They were red and puffy and caked with dried blood.

“Holy shit!” whispered Sara. “When did you do that?”

“Last night.” I could tell Annie was trying not to smile too much. She kept her lips pressed together.

“”Why did you do that?” I asked.

“Yeah. I though you didn’t even like Brett,” Liz said.

“Well, I changed my mind,” Annie said. She opened the drawer to her bedside table and pulled out a sewing needle and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

“I dare you to write Andy’s name, Liz,” Annie said.

“No way! My mom would kill me if she saw it.”

“Yeah, I’m not doing it either,” Sara said, examining her toenails.

“What about you?” Annie looked at me.

“I don’t know…I don’t even have a boyfriend. Who would I write?”

“You kind of like Joe, don’t you?” Sara offered. Annie arched her eyebrows and zeroed in.

“Well, does it hurt?” I wanted to know.

“Not really,” Annie said. “It kinda felt good after awhile.

I took the needle and started with the “J.” Scratching through the top layer of skin wasn’t painful, but digging down, drawing blood was required for the letters to show. Annie was right, it felt a little like walking up that steep hill. It hurt, but it felt exhilarating at the same time. I carved the “o” and the “e.”

“I’m glad he has a short name,” I said.

Soon we were all doing it. Liz carved “Andy” into her ankle so she could cover it with a sock. Sara carved “Jason” into her arm.

It took weekly maintenance to keep the name from fading. I kept my own needle and rubbing alcohol, and a stash of cotton balls next to my bed for touch ups.

I would have been embarrassed if Joe or any other boy had ever seen his name carved into my arm, and I took elaborate steps to never let my mom or little brother see it. I wore long sleeves all summer, or covered the letters with band aids. It was a secret I shared only with my three friends. It made me feel close to them—literally wearing our hearts on our sleeves for each other.